I am sitting here at work feeling MISERABLE!! Why in the world am I here? What I'm working on I can do from home.

I am going to Patient First when I leave here. I'm not sure if you guys know what a Patient First is but it's a national chain of health clinics. They are fabulous!!! You go there when you've injured yourself or aren't feeling well and can't get an appointment with your doctor.

I think they are designed to alleviate some of the uneccessary emergency room visits people make on the regular.

My boss did say that if I felt I couldn't handle it to leave and by George, I think I will. I will leave here in about an hour.

I hope you guys are having a better Monday than I am. I sure hope that doctor can give me some medicine that will work like IMMEDIATELY! lol

YAAAAYYYY to drugs! BRING THEM ON!! *sniff*

Hello all.

As you can see I got a whole new look. I hope you like it as much as I do. I thought it was time to redecorate. lol

Today is a beautiful day out but I'm in the house just relaxing. I'm a bit under the weather. I have a sinus thing going on and I feel miserable. I hope this clears up soon. the problem is when I get sick it usually lasts like weeks on end! lol

Spent the day yesterday in Philly for the Penn Relays which was cool. They had these old dudes in their 80's racing one race. It was so great! The Jamaicans were out in force though!! My goodness......those Jamaicans were so full of support for their teams it was nuts. They even burst into an impromptu rendition of their national anthem. I love their enthusiasm.

Oh well, back to nursing this sinus thing.......UGH!

I grew up with southern parents with strong southern traditions. Even when my parents moved up north to Maryland they maintained their southern roots. They didn’t run the streets very much. Oh sure there were occasions when they went out together or with friends separately but for the most part they were family people.

When my father died several years ago I was worried about my mother. I was worried about her living alone after a lifetime of living with my father. How would she cope? Would she become a recluse? Many thoughts swirled in my head.

Needless to say I was concerned for nothing. My mother began traveling and hanging out with friends. She was getting her life and I was happy for her. She even managed to find a couple of boyfriends over the years.

On one night in particular I was asleep in my bed. It was late and tomorrow was a work day. In my deepened sleep, somewhere off in the distance I could hear a phone ring. The ringing got closer and louder over time until I realized that it was in my damn bedroom! I woke up, looked at the clock and saw that is was 1:45 am. I didn’t even look at the caller ID I just rolled right back over perturbed that someone had the audacity to call me at that hour. Low and behold the damn phone rang AGAIN! This time I looked at the caller ID and saw that it was my mother’s cell phone. I immediately picked up the phone, “Hello.” “Uuuhhh, Hello? T?” It was my mother’s male friend. “Yeah. Hi.” “Your mom is not feeling very well and she was wondering if you could come to pick her up?” “Where is she? What’s wrong?” “She is sick to her stomach and had too much to drink.” I could hear my mother in the background, “Lemme speeeek tooo heahh.” Her friend handed her the phone, “”T, come git me…I’m siiicckk. I’m down the street from you.” My mother was drunk as a skunk!! She was slurring her speak. “Alright, ma, I’m on my way.”

There is something mighty wrong with this pictire. Isn't my MOTHER supposed to get a call to come retrieve her drunk ass daughter? Surely not the other way around.

Now mind you, my boyfriend was sleeping in the bed right next to me. I was 35 and had not yet told my mother I wasn’t a virgin so her seeing my boyfriend waltzing out of my bedroom in the morning was a little too much for me to bear so I did what any self respecting 35 year old divorcee would do in that situation. I woke him up, forced him to get dressed in record time and promptly hustled his ass outta my house!

I arrive to pick up my drunk mother who is leaning out of the side of her car surrounded by her fresh vomit on the ground. Her friend was standing next to her to make sure she didn’t go anywhere. I open the passenger door and she says, “T, I’m sick!” I look at her and the vomit and I say, “I can see that!” LOL “What in the world did you have to drink?” “Not much.” “Yeah right.” Her friend chimed in and told me all the various drinks she had that evening. I’m surprised she was still conscience!

We get her in the car and I get her to my place where she slept off her alcohol induced stupor. We awake in the morning and I go to her, “Ma, you ok?’ All I get is an “mmm hmmmm.”

Sure you are! You are gonna be hurtin as soon as you open those eyes!!!

I love to travel. I must say that I have been very fortunate enough to have traveled to 27 states in the United States including Hawaii, Canada and the Bahamas. There are sooo many other places that I would love to see that I have not like London, China, Jamaica, Paris, Australia to name a few. I’m going to tell you about one trip in particular I took a few years ago to New Orleans, LA.

My gal pal “Y” called me up one day and asked if I wanted to get away for awhile. Well is the sky blue? Hell yeah! So she suggested we go to New Orleans during Memorial Day weekend. I was totally game for it so we booked our tickets and hotel and off we went.

We were two fun loving girls on vacation so there was no restriction on what we would do that weekend. We partied so hard and ate our hearts out on the wonderful cuisine, it was amazing.

On one of our excursions on Bourbon Street, we were bar hopping going from one bar to the next. It was great. For those of you who may not know, Bourbon Street is the Mecca; the epicenter of all that is New Orleans! lol It is the heart of the French quarter. Every restaurant, bar and hotel you could need or want is right there! I hadn’t been so I was just soaking up everything and having a fabulous time.

I walked into this one bar and began looking around. I didn’t know what it was but I was getting a really weird vibe from this place. I looked from one side to the other. Mind you I was still standing at the front door so I hadn’t gone anywhere but I was letting my eyes travel over every nook and cranny.

I looked at the bar and noticed there was this naked guy dancing on the bar. Cool!!!!! I get some entertainment!!!! YEAAAYYYY!!!! Then I looked a little closer. There were no women in this place. I noticed there was nothing but men surrounding the stage. ‘Hmmmmmm, how peculiar’ I thought. Then I witnessed one guy reach up and stroke this guy’s penis!! AND HE LET HIM!!! The more I looked around I began to realize, this was a GAY BAR!!! Can I tell you I ascertained all of this within 35 seconds? Meanwhile “Y” hadn’t noticed anything and was proceeding to the back to the bar. I screamed so loud, “Y come on!! Let’s get out of here! We are in the wrong place!” She turned around and saw me bolt out of the door and followed.

As we ran out onto the street a tall transvestite almost knocked us over and almost lost his wig in the process! I told my gal pal through fights of hysterical laughter, “What in the world have we gotten ourselves into?!”

LOL

I hope everyone had a nice weekend. I had a fabulous one. The weather was great, hung out and did some really cool things, actually won a bowling game!!!!!!!!!!!! YIPPEEE! Ok this is huge for me because I have NEVER won a bowling game in my life. If fact, I am the worst bowler in the history of mankind.

I am supposed to go to the Penn Relays in PA this weekend so I am hoping the weather holds up. According to the weather forcast today it will be sunny and almost 70 degrees!! YES!

Anyway, not much else to report. I am however, working on a blog about my first experience in New Orleans so that should be up later today.

So tell me all, what did YOU do this weekend?

I got tagged which is cool! I wouldn’t think anyone would think enough of me to care to tag me so I will play along for sure.A apparently I am supposed to write 5-10 goals I have for myself and then tag some other folks as well. I was tagged by the lovely Coco Knows. . . . .

1) Travel abroad. I would love to visit London and France.

2) Tone up my mid section. My mid section is way too squishy for me so I am working out trying to fix it. Damn is it hard!

3) Advance at my job. I want to keep doing a good job, obtain more responsibilities and get promoted. Things are going very well here so we’ll see. I plan on starting my own business eventually but I am keeping that under wraps for awhile.

4) Develop my writing. I really want to hone my writing in my blogs so that readers will enjoy it.

5) Learn to chair dance. I want to learn how to dance sexily while the guy is sitting in a chair. In other words give him a lap dance. I can take classes at the same place that teaches you to pole dance. I’m not down with the pole dancing thing though.

Okay, that's all I can think of right now. So, I will tag . . .how about Emancipation of a Drama Queen, Queen of Dysfunction and 40’s Singless. Have fun!

I am sure that most of us, when we really start thinking, realize we have some crazy friends and not the good crazy either.

I had this friend that I had known for about 3 years. We were cool. Not BFF’s or anything but we’d talk on the phone and hang out together. I had always known that this woman was a very one sided person but I chose to overlook that characteristic in her personality. She felt things should only go according to her beliefs and anything else was wrong and unacceptable. She was not very understanding or forgiving of others shortcoming’s or PERCEIVED shortcomings. I chose to overlook those characteristics although I must admit it was not easy.

One day she and I decided to go to dinner and have a nice meal and conversation. Just hang out and have a good time. Well, while we were in the midst of our dinner a gentleman walked into the restaurant. My back was toward the door so I did not see this guy walk into the place. She commented on how nice looking he was. I turned around to get a peek and saw him walking toward our table and in fact the waitress seated him at the table right next to ours. I gave him the subtle once over and determined he was pretty decent looking and made mention of that.

She and I continued our meal and conversation. She would from time to time mention the guy next to us, who was dining alone I might add, and was contemplating starting a conversation with him which she ultimately did.

They exchanged small banter and we introduced ourselves. The three of us started making small talk and the gentleman eventually moved too the seat at his table that was closer to our table so we three could better converse. It was all going very well. The three of us talked and laughed and had a great time. Somewhere along the line, however, my buddy lost interest in this guy and became pretty quiet. It was cool because he and I still continued talking with her chiming in from time to time. She eventually asked if I was ready to leave and I decided it was time to go. The guy asked for us to exchange phone numbers and maybe we could all get together and hang out again. I thought that was fine so we all exchanged numbers and went our separate ways.

A couple days passed and my girl asks if I heard from the guy. I hadn’t and told her so. Several more days pass and I get a call from this guy saying he and a few of his buddies were going out and wondered if some of my friends and I wanted to hang with them. I thought it would be fun and started calling friends including my girl from several days ago. She immediately copped an attitude because this guy called me and not her. WHATEVER!

Anyway. Another week passes and the guy called me again and asks if my friends and I wanted to meet him and his buddies. I again call my girl and asked if she wanted to go. Oh why did I do that!!!!! She just went off about how she didn’t want to go out with him and his buddies because he never called her. Ok…whatever. Then she asked me if he asked me out would I go and I replied with an “I don’t know.” Oh why did I do that!! She went off on me about how I was wrong because she saw this guy first and I shouldn’t go out with him and how she had initial interest in him and so forth. I couldn’t believe her. It’s not like she and the guy ever went out. He never called her…they never ever spoke on the phone. Come on. She had no claim on him. Besides….he never asked me out so what was the point in getting all up in arms. He and I were not hooking up at all. She proceeded to tell me how I couldn’t be trusted and all this crap then she had the audacity to hang up on me.

Needless to say that was the last time I talked to her crazy ass. Some people. How are you going to get upset over a guy that you don’t even know and break up a three year friendship.

Oh well.

No one told me all that getting older would entail. No one mentioned the drooping breasts, the wrinkles on the face, the extra skin under the arms. Noooooo…not one word was mentioned. If so I’m pretty sure I would have made a concentrated effort to stay 29. I’m sure of it.

I visited my doctor a couple weeks ago and he told me that I reached that “magical” age where now I must get a mammogram. WHAT! No one ever told me that mammograms were in my future. I am ticked off. Some one could have warned me about this aging thing.

I did not sign up for this.

Do they sell time machines on eBay?

There is this guy on my job that I swear is gay! He is anal about his grooming and the cleanliness of his cube. Every other day he is wipping down the TOP of his cube. Who the hell wips the TOP of their cube!!!??? NO ONE sees the top! It's too tall.

Don’t get me wrong, if you are gay then I’m happy for you just don’t be in denial. Come out for goodness sake. Hell, we can talk about drapes, make up and fashion together. Shit, we can go shopping! I LOVE shopping. I love gay men so stop hiding.

I swear this guy is gay. He has never been married, never had a girlfriend the entire time I’ve worked here. NEVER. Another male co-worker came over to his cube and he exclaimed, “Hey girlfriend!” What da hell!!!

Just admit it why don’t you so we can go shopping. I need a new pair of shoes dammit!

Ok, I simply love the weekends. I actually had a pretty decent weekend. Friday I went to dinner with a girlfriend of mine and that was great because she and I hadn’t seen each other since last year. Sad I know. I love this woman. We’ve been close buds for almost 20 years. We’ve been together through thick and thin. She was the only one of my buddies that went with me to NY to celebrate my birthday last year so she will always be close to my heart.

I also paid off in its entirety my Las Vegas vacation for August. I know, I know…the hottest damn month in the hottest damn city. It’s alright though, I will wear as little as possible as not to get arrested while there. lol

Saturday started off cool. I was just relaxing at home laying around when one of my buds asked me to go to the new Halle Berry film with her and of course I accepted. It was all good until we were walking out of the theater and I noticed that I had a voicemail so I decided to simply check it real quick. This ignorant bitch copped a real attitude just because I was checking my cell’s voicemail. I just simply said “D., I’ll catch you later.” And jumped in my car and drove off. I don’t have time for stupid shit like that. Whatever.

Sunday was a very relaxing day. I just chilled out in front of the TV all day. It pretty much rained all day so I was in no mood to go anywhere!! lol

What did you guys do this weekend?

Ok, I finally did it. My boyfriend and I had this big blow up this morning. I have been very quiet and short with him the past couple of days because he upset me a few nights ago when I was trying to get affectionate with him and he pushed me aside. That was the absolute last straw. I am so sick of him pushing me aside and rejecting me when I am trying to get close. I flat out told him that I don’t feel he really gives a damn about me and that he really doesn’t want to be there with me so I’m done.

I asked him how long it will take for him to move out and he wanted to know how much time I was giving him. I am not giving him any specific time limit as yet but he is definitely on notice that I want him out.

This is very hard for me because I really care for him. I am so sick of one failed relationship after another. I am at a point in my life I need a husband. I want someone to share my life with. Someone who will appreciate me and he does not. I gave so much of myself only to have him hold back everything from me.

This is such a sad day for me. I am on the verge of tears every 5 minutes but deep down I know this is for the best. I deserve someone who will love me and who really want to be with me. I’m just so tired of being alone though.

Oh well, another on bits the dust.

When I heard last night that the charges were dropped against the three Duke Lacrosse players that were accused of raping that stripper I was ecstatic.

Don’t get me wrong, if I thought for one minute that those boys actually did rape that girl I would be the first to say throw them in jail and throw away the key but for some reason I never felt they actually raped that girl.

There were too many conflicting stories coming from her and the other stripper that was in attendance as well. The whole thing just seemed fishy to me.

No woman deserves to be raped…..NO WOMAN! But innocent men should never be accused and charged for something they never did. This woman almost destroyed their lives.

All I can say is that I am glad justice prevailed.

Ok, I am sitting here waiting. I keep looking at the clock on the wall. Why did it only move one minute since the last time I looked? Damn, it must be broken. There are a few people sitting here waiting as well.

“Mr. McAfee, come with me please.” One by one each person is called and I am still sitting here. This waiting is getting to me now. My mind is wandering. Have I been as safe as I should have been? What about Mark? Oh I was safe with him. He was cool. Hmmmm……what about Darren? Hmmmm…. Let me think…. Darren and I weren’t safe but we didn’t do it that many times. He looked clean and safe enough, Surely He would be fine. Let me think, what about Harold? He never climaxed during intercourse so I couldn’t have caught anything from him. No, no, I’m fine. I just have to be.

Those two nurses are staring at me. Why are they staring at me? They must know something. Oh come on Dr., this waiting is excruciating.

“Ms. Diva!”

“Yes.”

“Follow me please.”

Why am I shaking as I am walking down this football length hallway?

“Right in here. The Dr. will be right with you in a moment.”

“Thanks.” I manage to squeak out as I plop onto the examining table as the nurse shuts the door. More waiting. Oh Lord. Please let this all turn out OK. Why are they keeping me waiting this long? Is he waiting for a counselor to arrive and they both speak to me? This waiting is ridiculous. Ok Diva, no negative thoughts or else God will punish you.

Oh God please make this ok. I know better then to have unprotected sex. I know better. I’m a good person Lord. I’m no streetwalker or drug addict. I live a very drama free, clean existence. Surely I’ll be just fine.

“Hello Ms. Diva.” The Dr. greets as he walks into the examining room.

“Hello Dr. How are you?” He just smiles and doesn’t respond. Oh no, what does that mean?

“Hmmmmm” He says as he is looking at my chart. Oh God what does THAT mean? “Lie down and let me examine your abdomen.” I comply and he pokes around for a few moments. “Ok, follow me to my office.”

Oh oh. Here it is. I can literally hear my heart beating in my chest. I follow him. Each step getting increasingly more difficult. My legs are like lead. I manage to make it to his office and take a seat in front of his desk.

“Hmmmmmm…..let’s take a look at your lab results.”

Oh God….here we go.

“Your liver enzymes are normal and your HIV test came back non reactive.”

“That’s a good thing right?” I say apprehensively.

“That’s a very good thing.”

Whew!!! THANK YOU Lord! I feel so renewed like I have a second chance. Lord I promise I will do the right thing and be more careful in the future. I will not sleep with another guy with out a condom ANYMORE. Lord thank you!!!

I ran into an ex boyfriend a little while back. I was surprised to see him but it was cool. I harbor absolutely no hard feelings or ill will toward this guy. Actually, he was a very good boyfriend; sweet, kind, considerate, generous, affectionate; everything a woman would want. We were together for three years.

Mid way into our relationship he started throwing hints and innuendos about marriage. I knew full well that if you are with someone for that length of time marriage will be brought up at some point. I knew in my heart this guy would make a fantastic husband and father someday. It all sounds pretty good, right? Not really.

See here is the thing, I didn’t love him. As a matter of fact I tried on many occasions to break up with him because I no longer felt attracted to him but there was always something going on that made breaking up with him a bad idea at the time: I was helping his brother with some graphics and letterhead for his business and his father was ill and dying of cancer for starters. It just seemed too harsh to break away so I stayed longer then I really wanted to.

When his father finally died and things seemed to settle down for him I decided to break it off with him. He was devastated and I felt so bad for him. I’ve had my heart broken many times and I KNOW how he felt and my heart was breaking because of what he was feeling. I tried to maintain a friendship with him but I soon realized that it was far too painful for him if I stayed around so I stopped communicating with him. I even stopped attending the church that he and I went to together out of consideration for his feelings. We were still civil with one another as there were no hard feelings between us.

Fast forward 4 years and I run into him unexpectantly. He is now married and has one child and expecting his second. I couldn’t be happier for him as I knew that’s what he wanted and I couldn’t give that to him. I spoke to him with a smile and he just muttered and inaudible “Wassup.” and kept moving. I was surprised as surely there was no tension or hard feelings involved between us so a friendly hello and benign “catching up” banter should not have been out of the realm of possibility. We hadn’t seen each other in about 2 years at that point and a lot had happened in both of our lives.

Would friendly banter have been inappropriate? I wonder if I was just expecting too much.

Ok see I’ve had it! I’ve absolutely had it!! My abdomen is sore, both legs are achy. I can’t take it any more.

What is it I can’t take you ask………going to the gym with my boyfriend!!!! He is a tyrant!

“There you go! CRUNCH!!! CRUNCH!!!!”
“Let me feel it!!”“COME ON”
“One more!!”
“Give me another set of 10!!!”

I feel like I am working out with a drill sergeant! Maybe if I stab him in the eye with my pencil he won't feel so high and mighty then...huh?

As he is pushing me toward that one last sit up my body is screaming, "I'm going to kill you!!" I reluctantly complete the required sit ups then I hear, "Ok, now get ont he treadmill and alternate speeds from fast walking to jogging. Also alternate the incline."

"WHAT! You are out of your mind!" I hear my inner voice yelp but my audible voice says, "Alright." as I shlep my way over to the treadmills with my head down.

Is having a fine, svelte body worth all this torture??

I’ll tell you after I finish eating my potato chips on the way to the gym.

I’m not sure if I am just expecting too much or if my intuitions are correct.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 5 months. In the beginning he was lovey dovey and quite passionate when he made love to me. He even began to start telling me he loved me on a daily basis. Then all of a sudden it stopped.

He no longer looks at me with passion in his eyes. He no longer wants to make out with me. When we have sex it’s like “wham bam thank you maam”. There is no sensuality or passion when we have sex. He doesn’t really kiss me any more during sex. Hell he doesn’t really kiss me at all. I usually get a little peck more out of duty then passion and desire.

I have brought this up to him but he tells me we need to slow down because I am too intense for him. Am I really? I just want affection and passion.

He claims he still cares and doesn’t want to leave. Sometimes I believe him and other times I think he is just not into me and is biding his time until he chooses to leave.

I am torn and not sure what to do. I need affection and passion and he’s just not giving it to me anymore.

I don’t know what to make of this. This really sucks!!!!!

Last year I was walking in the mall just minding my own business when I saw my ex-husband in the distance. I have not told you all about “The Ex Husband” yet so bear with me. As he approached me from the distance a multitude of thoughts and emotions came to mind. First I was in shock because I hadn’t seen him in about 8 years. Second thought was should I be cold and malevolence toward him because of the way he treated me during our miserable marriage and the subsequent separation? Should I give him a severe tongue lashing for all his evil doings? I pondered all of this as he walked toward me because I was truly frozen in the very spot I stood. Ok, he is close to me now, what do I do? Oh noooo! He is reaching to give me a hug! This is the moment! What do I do???? I didn’t want to make him think I cared about him or his feelings nor that I had forgiven him for what he had done. After all of the internal drama going on I simply decided to just return his hug and back away, smile and say “What are you doing here?” Truth be told, I don’t harbor any ill will toward the man. I actually have no feelings toward him one way or the other. Hell, it had been over 8 years. If I heard he won $1 million dollars, I couldn’t care less. If I heard he died I couldn’t care less. You get the point?

Well we actually stand there and chat for a few minutes about nothing really just how we each have been doing since the 8 years since we’ve last spoken. It was all very generic and civil. As we stand there talking a young woman walks up and speaks to the ex. He introduces us and she gives me a half hearted “Hello” which I return. As she was leaving he said to her “Oh yeah, I need to talk to you about your girl.” Apparently, this young woman is best friends with his current girlfriend. I immediately told him to stay away from her because he will fuck up their friendship just like he did my one time best friend “W”. He said something to my best friend of 10 years which made her end our friendship. To this day I still have no idea what it was he said. He just shrugged it off. This guy is self serving and manipulative and nothing he touches could ever turn out correct.

About 5 minutes after the woman leaves, the ex’s cell phone rings and it’s his current girlfriend checking up on him. I just snickered because I knew that woman called her friend and told her the ex was with me. I can imagine how that conversation went, “Hello.”

“Hey ‘new girlfriend’, guess what I just saw?”

“What?”

“I just saw your man talking to his ex wife.”

“No he’s not!!!!”

“Oh yes he is girl! I can’t believe he in that mall just talking to that bitch all in broad daylight and whatnot.”

“I’mma call his ass right now!”

HAHAHAHA!!! I truly felt sorry for her because he is going to put her through hell just like he did me. He has not changed at all. He is still doing the same crap over and over again.

Oh well, I am so relieved I am out of that situation. The thought of him now makes me physically ill.

How can someone you cared so much about just end up having such the complete opposite reaction for you?

Hmmmmmm…….