Wow! I can't believe that today is the last day of my 30 day challenge. Woohoo! So today's challenge is to describe what is changing in my life.

If you follow my blog with any regularity you kinda already know. I am in the process of making my big move from Baltimore to Atlanta. In four weeks to be exact! This is the biggest thing I've ever done and I'm excited, nervous and overwhelmed at the same time. Although I have all of these emotions I am still pushing through because I know in my heart this needs to happen. I can not let nervousness and fear stop me from moving on to the next chapter in my life. I think that is where many people get stuck and block their blessings. They are too afraid to move on to something new and different because they are unsure of the future or the outcome and that is uncomfortable. My thing is God lets us know all the time what we should and shouldn't do, it's those unexplained feelings in the pit of your stomach or that little voice in your head. He is moving you to position you for the blessings he's ready to bestow upon you but you are too afraid of the unknown of the change to make that move and your blessings are blocked at that point because you are not where you need to be.

I am not one to let fear and discomfort stop me from doing what I know I need to do. It's very fearful and uncomfortable leaving your home that you've built your entire life, giving up your surroundings and family and friends and strike out on your own hundreds of miles away from everything you've ever known.

Now don't get me wrong, I haven't always been this actualized. There were times in my life when I let the fear over take me and I didn't make necessary changes but as I grew I came to realize I was blocking my own blessings and to trust that little voice in my head, my intuition because that is God's way of communicating to me what he wants from me. So now I listen.

I don't know what my employment situation will be once I land in Atlanta. I will tell my boss on Monday what my plans are and let the chips fall where they may but I am confident that whatever happens it will all work out. I am open and receptive to whatever is to come.

I am excited about this new chapter in my life and I am looking forward to all of it.

So what's changing in my life? Everything and I can't wait.

As far as I can remember growing up, we have always had family gatherings for the holidays, always. It was a time to get together, eat some good food, have some laughs and good natured ribbing. The holidays were always something to look forward to.

This year however, not so much. My brothers don't seem to have the same desire to keep the family traditions going and it saddens me a great deal.

I've always known that it was my mother that was the glue that kept our family together and that if anything ever happened to her then we would all splinter off into our own separate lives. My mother is disabled and in a nursing home. This in all likelihood will be our last holiday together and I really wanted to make this a special time for her but it's apparent that my brothers are not interested in this and it really saddens me. Not because I particularly want to see them but because I wanted this to be memorable for my mother.

My brothers will in all probability go their separate ways doing whatever they want to do for Christmas and I will maybe visit friends, after I spend time with mom of course.

This is all infuriating me to no end and also giving me the case of the blahs.

I'll be glad when this holiday season is over and I really never have to deal with my brothers again.

When I was 14 years of age my parents decided to take us kids on an impromptu trip to New Jersey. That was nothing unusual since my parents lived and met in New Jersey and my sister and middle brother and I were all born in New Jersey plus it was only a 4 hour drive from Baltimore, MD where we currently lived.

So we load up in the car and off we go. We kids were always excited about these family trips. They were always so much fun. Several hours later we arrive at my fathers’ sister house, Aunt Gwen. Aunt Gwen and Uncle Boog had several pretty rambunctious kids of their own and it was always fun to see what kind of adventures we were going to get into.

A few hours after our arrival my parents and aunt and uncle announced they had somewhere to go and would be back in a few hours and off they went. We kids were fine and enjoyed an afternoon free of parental restrictions.

Upon my parents return they summoned my two little brothers and me into the dining room as they had a big announcement of some sort. I sat on a chair at the table directly across from my father. What he told us shocked me for a few minutes and I scrambled to regain my footing. I supposed my father noticed this and instructed me to come over to where he was seated.

In all my fourteen years on this earth I had been the oldest child. I had been the one that was responsible for the younger siblings. Now I was being told that I was no longer who I thought I was. I had an older half sister. 5 years older to be exact. I was shocked and hurt all at the same time. I didn’t know what to think, what to say or how to feel. You may think finding out you have a sibling should be no big deal but when your life is lived a certain way and you have your roll in the family that clearly defines who you are and that is changed, it’s a little unsettling to say the least. I kept thinking, 'I'm not the oldest anymore?'

After I got over the shock I was anxious to meet her. Meet her I did, the next day. I felt cheated that I never knew I had an older sister in all these fourteen years, however, she knew all about us.

We got to know each other and I liked her. As the months and years went on she came to visit and we were developing a nice sisterly relationship. Or so I thought.

As the years piled on it became apparent that a relationship with me and my brothers was the last thing on my sisters mind. The phone calls and visits stopped. I subsequently found out she would call daddy’s job instead simply to ask him for money. It was obvious that she felt he owed her for being absent all those years and by golly she was going to get what was due her.

Her life was completely different then ours and I think she resented us and daddy for that difference. I’m sure she felt that if daddy was in her life the entire time things would be different for her. She felt we had it good and she was jealous of that and felt she should have been apart of all that as well. I’m not saying her feelings were not justified, I’m just saying that her issues with our father should not have impacted her relationship with us, her siblings. Who is right in a situation like this? It’s hard to say what should have been done. We all have to play the hand we are dealt. I just feel that she pretended to want a relationship with us in order to get what she could out of our father. I feel duped.

She has not called us since our fathers death in 1993 and that I feel tells the real tale.

As many of you know, The Analyst and I have been over for a little while now. I have been working hard to distance myself from him. Making sure he understands that we are done, all without coming across as a cold, calculating, unfeeling bitch.

I have told him many times that I have moved on. Things between us are damaged beyond repair. Even though I’ve told him these things I don’t think I have made myself very clear.

He came this weekend to pick up a few things from my house. I want him to take everything but he whines about not having enough room for everything and asks if he could leave the rest until he can figure out his next move. I relented and agreed but I am not very happy about this decision at all.

He made a statement to me while picking up his things that “we are going to be married before you know it.” I simply looked at him and said “You think so huh?”

What’s more disturbing is that he went on to make another statement when I asked for my keys back, “No! I don’t want to. We’re not done yet.”

He honestly believes that we will somehow find our way back together again someday. I could have insisted upon the return of my keys but looking at him I realized he was simply not ready. Not ready to let go. Not ready to move on. At that point I didn’t push the issue any further. I figure in time, when he’s ready. He’ll come to understand the finality of this situation and be more willing to let go of those keys.

As for now, he needs to still hold on and I’m not sure if I am hurting him more by being understanding and patient or if I should be the bitch I can be which would prove to crush him in the end. I’m at a total loss right now.

Ending a relationship is not always as cut and dry as we’d like.

Who knew men had a hard time letting go too?

OK, so since The Analyst and I split I've just been relaxing. Not dating at all. Figured I'd wait until I got back home, life settled down a little.

Well Friday night my girl Sher and I went out for drinks and dinner at this local restaurant that featured a live jazz band so we knew it would be lively that night. I was looking forward to the evening because it had been a long while since she and I hung out.

Well during the course of the evening I met 3 guys. Neither of them are really going to make the cut but it was a fun evening nonetheless.

Well after a few conversations with a couple of these guys we decided to meet up this evening. So I met with guy number 1 at 7:00pm. This was already going to be a short date because he had to work later that evening and needed to get home and sleep before his shift.

My problem with guy #1; he works 2 jobs, he lives with a friend, he can't afford his own place so that is why he's been living with his friend for 2 years. Uuummmmmm, no! To add to the mix, he has a 10 year old son that requires alot of his time. Yeah, OK.

I left him at 7:30pm with the excuse I had to pick up my little nieces for my brother because he had to work late.

I met Guy number 2 at 8:00pm. The conversation was great. We debated and had a really great time.

My problem with Guy #2; he smokes and I do not date smokers. YUCK! He ordered his drink before me when the server came over to take our order. He saw several friends at the restaurant but never bothered to introduce me to them let alone acknowledge my existence. He has a 7 year old son whom he has no qualms with leaving in the next several months to move 3300 miles across the country to LA. I told him he was going to miss out on alot and asked him how he was going to field the really hard questions his son would surely have for him when he got older like "why did you leave me?". His response, "Sometimes you just have to live your own life. His mother and I don't get along." I told him that he should not let that get in his way of being there for his son and he said he just had to do his own thing.

He's not selfish at all is he? Hmmmmm. Excuse me but I was under the impression that when you have children your life is on hold. They become your priority.

Hmmmm... 2 dates in one night and neither guy makes the cut.

The third guy, I will not even call. He needs dental work and I can't deal with that.

Am I being too picky?

I attended a wedding this weekend. My little cousin got married and it was a lovely event. His aunts and uncles and grandfather made the drive to Maryland from South Carolina for the nuptials.

His aunts and uncles are my cousins and his grandfather is my aunts husband. It was great seeing all of them since I hadn't seen them in about 7 years or so since my aunts death.

Although I was looking forward to seeing them I was also a little apprehensive. You see, I never hear from them at all but they periodically call my younger brother Kevin.

When they arrived on Friday, they called Kevin but I didn't hear a peep from them. My brother drove over and hung out with them but no one thought to call me.

I have a few other cousins that live here in MD that I only see during family get togethers but yet again, they are in constant contact with both of my brothers. I found out at the wedding that they had all arranged a get together where they all hung out and had a grand ol' time but no one thought to call me. Hmmmmm....

The more I thought about things the more I began to feel as an outsider in my very own family. I have a younger cousin named Ann that seemed to have cut herself off entirely from the family. No one has seen or heard from her in years. I personally hadn't seen her since my fathers death in 93. Thinking about her last night I totally understand her now.

Is there no wonder I will not look back ONCE when I leave MD? I think I will do just what Ann did and just cut everyone out when I leave.

Have you ever felt like an outsider in your own family?

Summer oh Summer how I love thee. Our time together is always too short. It seems as if you show up, then 3 months later, you're gone again. There are so many things we hadn't done together like camping, hiking and swimming. Who the hell am I kidding, I don't do any of that crap but you get the gist of what I trying to say here.

Summer, we hadn't even gone on vacation yet and you are abandoning me already. In just a few short weeks you will gone again. Never to be seen for an entire year.

Sure, you give me a teasing glimpse of you during Indian Summer but that just proves to make me angrier because you are playing with my emotions and you know I hate when you play with my emotions.

Oh Summer. Winter is not as much fun as you are so I am getting a little more anxious with each day.

I thought we had something special but yet again you do this crap to me. You leave me every damn year... year after year and I accept it...year after year.

Your twin brother lives in Florida. It's always great there. He never leaves. I think I'm going to have to leave you here in Maryland and move to Florida. Sure it's full of old people with sun visors, sandals with socks and peddle pushers but that's a small price to pay to be warm and sun filled every day.

I hope you understand but this back and forth every year is wearing me down. I have to leave you once and for all. Florida here I come!!

Things have been really confusing at The Diva's house lately. The Analyst and I are still in this weird area. One minute he is very distant and the next he's all playful.

Bottom line is that I am still not getting what I want and need from him. I was driving into work this morning and began tearing up as I know I need to get him out of my house and the realization is painful. I knew he needed to go before but because he's still there and going back and forth with this behavior of one minute wanting me and the next not wanting anything to do with me is confusing and frustrating me which I told him it would do if we kept this up. It just keeps sucking me back in when I think I've pulled away.

I need peace and to maintain my sanity and the only way to do that is to get him out.

I am convinced he doesn't really care about me. He just doesn't want to live in a strange place with a strange person (getting a roommate) because he can't afford an apartment on his own right now. That is the real reason he doesn't want to leave my home. I've said as much to him but of course he denies it but a person can tell in their soul whether a person is into them or not and The Analyst does not act like someone that is into me or wants a relationship at all. His "moments of possibility" are killing me.

I just want peace people.

I feel I am in limbo because I can't really emotionally move on or even date a little with him still in the picture and that is not fair to me. I've been talking to and hanging out with The Manager a little here and there (no sex....not my style) but I feel I can't take that any further if I wanted too because of The Analyst still hanging around.

I just want to have peace, date a little, just have fun (nothing serious as yet) for now until Mr. Right comes along eventually but I can't feel free with him at my house.

UGH!!!

I've recently become aware of just how selfish The Analyst is but nothing hit it more on the head then this morning.

This ass actually was surprised when I told him that I would be happier when he leaves. He had the audacity to ask me why. Excuse me.

I flat out told him that it is difficult to see him every day. I told him he doesn't have any emotional attachment but I do and my life will be much easier when he's gone.

How selfish can you be to not know how difficult this is for me and just leave to make it easier?

He's gonna keep playing around and come home from work one day to find his stuff all on the lawn with the front door locks changed.

Bastard!

On to happier things....I am excited about the possibility of making my job a telecommuting position. This is one of my goals for 2008 to be able to work from home. This is somethinig that I have been wanting to do for a very long time. This also ties into my plans to leave Maryland in the future. If I already have a work at home job then I can EASILY move and live where ever the hell I want and that is exciting!!!

Whooo Hooo! 2008 will be a banner year and I can't wait.

I truly hope you all ushered in 2008 in fantastic form. I hope you all had a great time and were safe. I can't believe we are already into a brand new year. A brand new year means a brand new lease on life.

I've decided to do something that I have never done before during this time of year. Make a list of goals I want to accomplish in 2008. I think that will keep me focused. Something to really work toward.

It may sound strange but I am actually looking forward to making my list of goals. It's weird.

Do you guys make a list of goals you want to accomplish in any given year? How many of your goals do you actually accomplish?

As for The Analyst and I, we are in this weird gray area. I want him gone from my home like NOW so that I can begin the healing process. It's like one minute we are total strangers passing each other in the house without uttering one single word to each other then the next minute he is trying to joke with me and calling me "Babe" and other things. It's really tugging at me and confusing me and I really need him to leave. We sleep in the same bed and neither one of us has a desire to touch the other. It's really weird. I had promised him that I would give him enough time to find alternative living arrangements and I will not renege on that but it is hard for me.

Man I need strength. This is not easy at all.