Monday, June 29, 2009

Do You Realize What You Are Saying?

Ok, I went on date #2 with the new guy. We will call him Photo Dude. Photo Dude is a good tennis player and a good pool player so as we were walking around the mall we decided that this would be a great time for him to give me a pool lesson as I suck royally at pool. It just so happens that there is a Dave and Busters right there in the mall! What are the chances? So we enter D & B and thus begin my pool lesson. I must admit, Photo Dude is a really, really good pool player. Better then any other guy that has ever tried to teach me to play. I was impressed.

After the lesson we decided to sit at the bar and just chit chat for a bit. This is where things get really interesting. We inevitably begin to talk about the differences between men and women.

Photo Dude was trying to convince me that it was inherently ingrained in the male DNA to cheat and that it is extremely difficult for a man to not cheat. He says the chances of getting caught are so rare that it outweighs the consequence. Huh?

Does he realize he’s telling the woman he is supposed to be interested in and wooing that men will cheat and there is nothing we can do about it? Yeah, that just makes me want to just jump right into your arms and declare my undying love buddy. Sweet!

I said to him, “You do realize you are making a great argument for never getting married right?” He says, “Yeah, I know.” Then tries his best to back peddle out of the hole he had dug for himself.

Yeah, I want to get involved with a self proclaimed cheater.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

You Expect Me To Do What?

As you all know, I'm a dater. I meet, I date, you get on my nerves and I throw you away. That's how I roll.

It has been my experience that most men will ask that inevitable question, "Do you cook?" I look at them for a second then take them to my frig and open it up.

Does it look like I cook?

Yes, that is my actual refrigerator right at this moment.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

What Is Too Young?

Last weekend my niece had her over the top "Super Sweet 16"ish Sweet 16 birthday party. She was every bit of the little princess she was raised to be. My youngest brother brought his two daughters and our cousins' oldest son to the party as well. My cousins' son is a young 16 year old boy so he was in his element.

When you first meet this boy you would think he is the sweetest, nicest, shyest kid you'd ever met and in actuality that does describe him. As I was talking to this kid I looked at his arms and realized he had these massive tattoos running up and down both arms. I asked him, "Does your father know about this?" "No." He responds. "Ooohh, I'm gonna tell! I'mma tell your father." I said He laughed. Apparently he received those tats a year previous when he was 15.

Fast forward a week later and I just happened to run into his grandparents yesterday. I replayed this story to them. My aunt (his grandmother) told me that the boys mother also allowed her 12 year old daughter to get a tat. WHAT!!

I kept saying "12!" over and over again. What person in their right mind would allow a 15 year old and a 12 year old to get a tattoo?

Is it appropriate for a 15 and 12 year old to receive tattoos?

Monday, June 15, 2009

Oh Boy My Weekend….

Friday night was supposed to be just a simple happy hour orchestrated by my girlfriend Crazy. The happy hour was held at a local hotel chain in downtown Baltimore.

Things were going along wonderfully until someone in our group decided they wanted to go to another spot afterwards and the others quickly jumped onboard. Since I was not driving that evening I just went along with the program.

I thought we were going to some rinky dink hole in the wall bar but when we arrived I looked at the plaque on the door and it said “American Legion Hall”. American Legion Hall???? I don’t go to American Legion Halls!

We opened the door and walked in and was decidedly confused on where to go from there. We spotted a bar behind a closed door on our left so we opened the door and went inside. It was just as I feared. Nothing but a bunch of people 20 + years older then us!! What in the…..???

Don’t get me wrong, I love older people but I was not prepared to party with them that evening. There was an eclectic group of pimps and drunks strewn all around for your viewing pleasure.

Then if that wasn’t bad enough the DJ would play a song and as soon as you started to get into it he’d switch up and play another song! Dude, that is DJ 101, “Don’t play a snippet of a song. People can’t get into the music if you keep changing it as soon as it begins.”

I just sat at the table taking in the sights, trying to stay wake when all of a sudden my girl Clueless says, “I can’t get in touch with the kids. They’re not answering their phones. I have to go and check on them to make sure their OK.” Before she could even finish that sentence I was up by the front door with my purse slung over my shoulder yelling back, “Aaaawwww, we have to go? Doggonit!” I wasn’t too eager to leave was I?

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

You Want The Truth? You Can’t Handle The Truth

I’ve learned a long time ago to never ask a question I don’t want to know the answer to. Questions like, “How old do I look?” “Do I look fat in this shirt?” You know, stuff like that. I supposed not everyone has learned this valuable lesson.

Hence my conversation with Mr. Eager. He was on one of his marathon single sided conversations the other day when he asked me, “Do you miss me?” I kind of looked blankly for a minute. I was stunned actually. He was on the phone so he couldn’t see my initial reaction. Here is one of those questions you don’t really want to hear the honest answer too. You want to hear “yes” regardless if it’s the truth or not. Well I didn’t feel like lying on this particular day so I just said, “Hmmmm….not really.” Oh hell, what did I say that for? He launched into this 40 minute tirade about how I was insensitive and I didn’t really like him as much as he liked me and such. I just simply listened and said, “Well I guess I don’t.” He hung up on me.

He called back about 8 minutes later and asked me, “Do you even care about me?” I said, “You’re alright.” He hung up again.

Friday, June 5, 2009

I See Trouble Brewing

I'm going to a baby shower this weekend. What could be troubling about a baby shower you ask? Well there is a lot of drama surrounding the father.

The baby shower is for my 22 year old Godson. My girlfriend seems to be very happy to become a grandmother. Here's my issue. Follow me closely because this is a doosy.

A few years ago my girlfriend and her husband were having trouble with my Godson. There was fighting and tension so they put him out. After wearing out his welcome with relatives and friends they decided to come to me and ask if he could stay with me. Well, he was slated to leave for the military in 5 weeks so I thought, 'No big deal'.

I come home one day from work to find him and his girlfriend hanging out here and as soon as I walk in the door he tells me he has to talk to me. People, when someone tells you they have to talk to you before you even have a chance to take off your coat it can't be good.

He proceeds to tell me that he is having gender identity issues and strongly felt he's in the wrong body. He should have been born a woman. WHAT!!! Awesome. He further states that he will be having gender reassignment surgery as soon as he could afford it (apparently its pretty pricey).

Well after I recovered from that revelation and realized he wasn't going to go into the military or find a job it was determined that he had to go. I take him back to his parents house, dropped him off and speed away.

His parents are completely against this behavior. This is the reason they put him out in the first place. It is clear to me that my Godson stifled his feelings and intentions in order to be accepted by his parents.

This kid has a myspace page where he declares his desire to be a woman and solicits advice on having surgery.

Fast forward a couple years and he's found a new girlfriend whom he got pregnant hence the baby shower this weekend. Can you see why I'm not particularly thrilled about this pregnancy. This kid is very confused about his gender and sexuality and is clearly hiding it. I don't have a problem with whatever he decides, I love him anyway but he is now bringing a poor innocent child into this situation who will be forced to experience his father eventually turn into his "mother" when he is strong enough to come out and not hide.

I see nothing but heartache and trouble down the road.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Lord Help Me!

I try to eat healthy (some of the time), I truly do but it’s hard folks. It’s really hard. There are days that box of chocolate covered donuts from Entenmann's call my name. I’m not that strong people.

I try to stay away from pork and beef but there are times when the call of a bacon cheddar cheeseburger rivals the earth’s gravitational pull and we all know you are powerless against that…right?. What’s a girl to do?

Why oh why when confronted with the choice between a carrot raisin salad or hash browns for breakfast from Chick Fil A the hash browns always win, hands down, topped with a large cup of sweet Iced Tea.

People, I’m not that strong. Lord give me strength.