Saturday, April 19, 2008

What Would YOU Do?

Posted by Diva's Thoughts at 10:04 AM

Ok, so I was asked my opinion on a matter and for once, I have no idea how to answer so I thought I would bring this to my blog family and get your feedback.

So here it is.

Brad and Buffy have been dating for 18 months. Brad has met Buffy's parents and siblings and friends. Buffy has met Brad's parents, 2 of his 3 children plus an aunt and uncle even though she hasn't been around them in about 9 months. I mention all that to say they've been around each other's family and friends.

Well, it is graduation season and Brad's eldest daughter is graduating college next month. There is a party being planned in her honor. Obviously all of Brad's family will be in attendance including his ex-wife (his daughter's mother). Buffy has never met Brad's daughter or her mother (Brad's ex-wife) as yet but they are fully aware he is dating Buffy.

Buffy is torn about whether she should attend the graduation and party or just let Brad, his family and ex-wife enjoy the day without her. Is it appropriate for her to attend or not?

How would you feel if you were dating someone for a year and a half and was faced with this dilemma?

If she did not attend would that deem their relationship irrelevant and unimportant?

Now she is pondering all this with the assumption that brad is even going to invite her to the festivities. What if he never even invites her? Should she be upset about that?

As you can see, I have no idea what to tell her at this point.

HELP!

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30 People saying stuff:

Nicole P said...

If I had put 18 months of my life into a relationship with any man, I would be extremely hurt if he did not insists upon me coming to such an event and make effort necessary for me to feel comfortable in this situation.
It is his daughter's day, true, but I would begin to rethink the relationship if I were not included and welcomed into this situation.

April 19, 2008 at 12:35 PM
Jeni said...

I too would be inclined to be hurt if not invited to said event. However, if the guy gave a really good explanation to me as to why it might not be a wise idea for me to attend, I might be able to see things differently.

April 19, 2008 at 1:13 PM
Karen said...

I don't even think it is an invite situation. I think it is automaticly assumed that Buffy will be there. Duh! You don't spend 18 months with someone and then be excluded from one of the biggest events in his life.

If he doesn't want her to go, she should really think hard about that relationship. It would probably be a "deal breaker" for me.

April 19, 2008 at 1:49 PM
Vi said...

After 18 months, I'd demand to go! Maybe meet the daughter first?

April 19, 2008 at 3:43 PM
Anonymous said...

I wonder why she hasn't met the daughter yet after all this time? Maybe they should meet first before the graduation.

April 19, 2008 at 10:37 PM
Treasia Stepp said...

If it were me I would be extremely upset if not invited to the event. However I would also think it appropriate to meet the daughter beforehand and maybe go out to dinner or something. At the very least the BF/Father should let his daughter know I would be in attendance that day and get her reaction to it.

I also would want to know why after 18 months I had yet to meet this daughter.

April 20, 2008 at 9:15 AM
Anonymous said...

I think its possible that maybe the reason she has never met the daughter is because she has been away at college. I would not demand to be included, but would definitely expect to be, and wait for his evaluation of this situation. The fact that she is aware of the planned events, suggests that this has come up for discussion so I guess it depends on how it was presented to her. Finally, there is the remote possiblity that this may be the oldest child, which may possibly still have some issues with the divorce (depending on how things were handled)and that may be why they have never met. But I can't believe this would not have come up before now, since she has met other family members.

April 20, 2008 at 10:38 AM
MP said...

I would never demand to be anywhere that my presence would not be welcome. maybe it's a pride thing. I think that you have to be very careful when dealing with famil issues especially when it comes to very important family members that you havent even met yet. Maybe he didnt invite her explicitly because it was assumed she would be there. maybe he was trying to avoid it. there are many senarios but in the end, just like in any relationship, they need to talk about it. there is no reason to be in a relationship of 18 months and have to wonder about this. she should speak up and tell him how she feels and what her concerns are.

April 20, 2008 at 1:24 PM
Anonymous said...

she should be there, especially after a year and a half with him.

April 20, 2008 at 8:55 PM
Sandi McBride said...

Oh for heavens sake...if Brad and Buffy marry is Buffy going to have a stand in bride so she doesn't offend his children? I say she should go and not feel as though she's a home wrecker...the home is no longer the consideration. Their relationship is the consideration and if Brad were to tell Buffy she should stay home, I'd stay home alright...and pack my bags to leave for parts unknown!

April 20, 2008 at 9:50 PM
Eb the Celeb said...

First off... I hate the name Buffy... it kept throwing me off... but anyway I digress...

This is personal experience for me... because I was that college student where my dad brought the woman he had been dating for a while that I never met...

I say if he doesn't invite you... that is a huge red flag. You 2 are an item so for him to not include you in an event that is about family... he does not consider you a part of his family.

Although I didn't really want the chick there... I understood why my father brought her... and this was an out of town trip.

April 20, 2008 at 10:00 PM
Adrianne said...

I would wait to see if he invited me, and if he did I would feel flattered. I would go out and buy a gift and a card. I would hand it to him and say that means so much to me that you wanted me to go and please give this to your daughter. However since I have never met her, I feel kind of out of place going. I don't want to take away from her day. Being introduced and making sure that the mother was okay with it seems like a lot of stress.

If he didn't invite me, I would have a card and gift for his daughter to make him feel guilty, then I would question the shit out of him to ask him why I wasn't allowed to go.

I would wonder if he was married, you think I am crazy but it happens more often than one thinks. Ask her to see the divorce decree.

April 21, 2008 at 12:06 AM
lisa q. said...

i think i would want to be there...if there was an opportunity to meet the honoree beforehand, that would be good...if she's important to him, and god knows she should be after that amount of time, i would think he would want her to be there...

April 21, 2008 at 7:37 AM
CarmenSinCity said...

That's a tough one. I think I'd be hurt if he didn't invite me, but I probably wouldn't go because it would be really uncomfortable.

April 21, 2008 at 12:31 PM
Don said...

I think she should attend. If I was in that situation I would insist that she attend. Besides that is his ex-wife for a reason. I was once placed in this position. It was uncomfortable being in the presence of a former and current girlfriend but the night went well.

April 21, 2008 at 1:08 PM
laughing said...

Besides what SSC about maybe they aren't really divorced yet, there are other things that I don't know about the situation. Like how long have they been divorced? If Buffy is the first SO the children have had to deal with, it could be hard for them to deal with. Or if Buffy was the reason for the divorce or she started seeing him before the divorce, then she just can't go. But if they have been divorced for a long time, or if the ex-wife is already with someone else, then it would totally be a matter for Brad to decide. 18 months sounds like a serious relationship to me, like by that time they should either be engaged or admit that it isn't working out somehow and it's time to end it. But I don't know them and maybe they have just been very casual and waiting to see what might happen.

April 21, 2008 at 2:52 PM
FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com said...

TOTALLY appropriate to attend. I'd want Brad to ask me to attend actually... v. hurt if I'm not.

April 21, 2008 at 3:24 PM
ME said...

After 18 months of dating it is totally appropriate for her to attend. I would be hurt if he didn't invite me, in fact, I would assume I was invited.

April 21, 2008 at 4:52 PM
Ann(ie) said...

YUP. I agree. 18 months is plenty of time. I hope he invites her...she should totally be included!

April 21, 2008 at 7:00 PM
Shai said...

I am on the other side. This could potentially happen. My daughter graduates hs in June. Her dad may bring his girlfriend. My daughter does not like that. She does not know her or has spoken to her.

Because of the history between my daughter and her father, I think it would be best to leave the gf at home. See too many times he has brought someone to town and the attention is on the gf.

This is my daughter's shining and he needs his attention on her. I only say this from past experience.He has not picked the best gfs and I don't feel like any drama.

April 22, 2008 at 10:00 AM
The Ambiguous Blob said...

after dating for that long- yes, it's appropriate.

April 22, 2008 at 3:01 PM
Chari said...

I have something serious to think about if he didn't invite me.

I don't think it would be bad or strange for her to go either.

April 22, 2008 at 6:27 PM
Joe said...

He should invite her and she should go if he does.

April 23, 2008 at 9:13 AM
*~*Cece*~* said...

Um if after 18 months he DOESN'T invite her to the festivities she needs to rethink this relationship. If he does invite her she needs to go. The ice has to be broken somewhere by someone, right? And if they're all mature people who accept that life goes on then it shouldn't be an uncomfortable place for her.

Let us know what the outcome was.

April 23, 2008 at 6:53 PM
CC Solomon said...

Buffy should go if invited. My new step mother did not come to my graduation a few years back (or give a graduation gift) and I was hurt. If Buffy is serious about Brad and she is invited she should go.

April 24, 2008 at 10:20 AM
charmcitygirl said...

She should talk this over with Brad. She should find out how the daughter would feel. I would be hurt if I wasn't invited after 18 months of dating. I would want an explanation. If his ex is a drama nut and will cause a scene then I would stay away not risking ruining the daughter's big day. Every time I read something like this I realize how blessed I am to have divorced parents who have made it a top priority to get along for our sake.

April 24, 2008 at 12:10 PM
imbeingheldhostage said...

Not much advice to give, but boy howdy do I like this new template. It's bright and sassy :-)

April 24, 2008 at 4:31 PM
Freckle Face Girl said...

I would probably sit this one out. A graduation party is not a good time to meet female family members that could have something against you. Women can be animals & it should be a great moment in his daughter's life.

April 24, 2008 at 4:35 PM
Anonymous said...

First of all, I would expect Brad to invite Buffy. If he did not then he better have a damn good reason... like his ex is extremely violent towards anyone Brad dates. That would be the only acceptable excuse in my book.

Now, if Brad does invite her then she should by all means attend!!! If he wants her there then that shows Brad to be committed and caring. If she, however, chooses not to attend after she was invited then that would probably be ok. Maybe she isn't comfortable with the situation. But, I think she should go. They have been together for 18 months and seem quite committed. There is no reason (other than a violent ex) that she should NOT be there.

P.S.. totally awesome new look:)

April 24, 2008 at 5:45 PM
Mizrepresent said...

I think if he invites her she should attend. It may be uncomfortable at first, but hoping that Brad has already forewarned the mother and daughter that she would be in attendance, so as to not make it utterly uncomfortable.

April 25, 2008 at 1:10 PM

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