Friday, January 30, 2009

Why Are You So Happy?

I have a Godson that is 22 years old. His mother and I have been friends since high school and graduated together. When he was born while she was in college we just knew he was going to be something special. The most adorable kid you’d ever want to see.

Fast forward 20 years and Houston we have a problem. It was brought to my attention a couple years ago that he was cross dressing. This kid feels he’s in the wrong body and should have been born a female. He stayed with me for a very short period 2 years ago when his parents kicked him out of the house for this behavior. It would have been nice if they had let me in on this before he moved in with me. I didn’t really know that he was going through this until I came home from work one day and he surprised me wearing a wig, lip gloss and a light blue woman’s tank top. He scared the bejeesus out of me.

During all this he had a girlfriend who was just as confused as he was. He made it known in no uncertain terms that he was going to have gender reassignment surgery as soon as he was financially able. This stupid girl still stuck by his side and supported him.

Anyway, fast forward 2 years later and he has another girlfriend but now his mother tells me he is expecting a child with this new girl. What the hell???!!

My girlfriend is so happy about this. Why? The kid has a little minimum wage job, can’t afford his own place, is unmarried and still has issues with his gender and sexual identity. Oh yeah, that’s a perfect situation to bring a kid into.

I wonder if my girl is happy about becoming a grandmother because she thinks this will “cure” him of wanting to be a woman and force him to lead a “normal” life. I wish they understood this boy is just masking who he really is for now.

What is going to happen to this girlfriend of his and their child when years down the road he “comes out” and decides he can no longer live a lie? Mark my words, I guarantee you this will happen.

Now he’s ruining two people’s lives unnecessarily. His parents should just accept him for who he really is.


23 People saying stuff:

Queen-Size funny bone said...

we live in cow country and when I moved into my house I saw a few interesting things about my neighbor after a few years of friendship and he could trust us he told us and showed us he likes to dress as a woman. he has even given me clothes. I took him at age 64 to get his ears pierced. He's one hell of a guy.

Jeni said...

You make a lot of excellent points in this post but to my mind, the most important one being his parents need to accept him for who he is, deep-down inside. How difficult it must be too to be in his shoes and not really acknowledging his true self or not being permitted perhaps to do that. I can also, as a mother/grandmother, understand his mother's jubilation over the prospect of becoming a grandmother but still, the pain that most likely is yet to come. How will all of those involved deal with this, ultimately.
Hope the parents do right by him and accept his, as he is.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

Why does he continue to be with women if he feels like he should be a woman? He's not gay?? He wants to have a gender reassignment so that he can be a lesbian? That's a trifle odd.

Jeni said...

Just me, back again! I read my fav blogs on reader and about two posts down after reading your blog today, the most incredible thing happened. One of my fav bloggers is Keith at 10 Years Running Blind. His blog often leans to the religious but he is very, very open-minded and his topic today is none other than people with Sexuality issues. Check out his post today and the article he put in there with his post. Here's the url to his site.
http://blindsiderawks.blogspot.com/
Who knows, maybe this might help give this young man's parents some perspective. Anything is worth a shot in my book!
Peace.

TravelDiva said...

Oh that's terrible--sounds like a bad Lifetime movie--all you need to add is a woman out for revent. I think the mother probably wants her son to have the typical american dream--wants him to be "normal." But if he's still really confused--that's not helping anybody.

Does the woman he impregnated know he's a cross dresser? Probably the only reason he hasn't changed his gender is because it's costly.

Keith said...

Why do the parents need to try and "cure" him? I agree with you Diva, they just need to accept him the way he is. As for him impregnating this gal, what was he thinking? Unless of course she is okay with the way he really is and knows about it.

Renaissance Woman said...

Hmmm...this post surprises me in many ways. But the first one is that I agree with you...it would be great if his family could just accept WHO he is and maybe that would allow him to accept it also. I think that it makes sense he is trying to live different lives, because being a cross dresser or even more extreme feeling like you have been born in the wrong gender must be the most difficult thing in the world. I read the words "normal" and I find that to be the silliest term ever. WTF is normal. Maybe this women knows and accepts him for who he really is...maybe she has no issues with it at all. But I don't think that it has to "ruin two other people's lives" as you have said. I don't think that he is out there trying to ruin people's lives.

I hope for him that he is able to accept who he is and figure out what that means and looks like in the big picture. I hope that he is able to be 100% honest with the people that he loves and that they will accept him as he is...fully. I hope that this girl knows what is in front of her and also has the courage to face herself as well. I hope that they have a healthy baby (and no maybe they aren't ready...but it's a little late for that now).

I wish that families and friends understood that loving somebody sometimes means not always undertanding but loving regardless. Supporting who people really are makes the world so much easier for everybody.

So@24 said...

Homeboy's been busy.

Tonya said...

Wow was a messy situation.

Melissa said...

This sounds like my ex-husband's life without the cross dressing. He can remember liking men since he was a little boy, however as he got older he knew his parents would never accept him for being gay, so he tried to be "straight". He married a woman, had a child and got divorced. I came along, he married again, still trying to be straight yet longing to live as a gay man. We had a child, and around 2 years later he came out of the closet.

If my ex-husband's parents would have only accepted him as being gay from the start, he wouldn't have tried to live a straight life and marry not one, but two women and produce two children.

His parents will not accept his lifestyle and think he can "change".

Tanyetta said...

My heart breaks for this family. I don't even know what I would do.

lisaq said...

Holy crap! I don't even know what to say!

laughingattheslut said...

There's a lot going on here.

There's the moral stuff about sex change and gays and all of that, which I really don't even want to get into. Let's just say I'm against most of it and leave it at that.

Then there's the cross dressing thing. Cross dressing is not always something to panic over and doesn't always mean that the boy really wants to be a girl and will try to have surgery. I'm surprised when after therapy and such the person actually goes ahead with the surgery, as some other reason for it often comes up in therapy. There are plenty of gay cross dressers who do not want their little boy parts removed so that they can be girls. And there are also straight men out there who also have a bit of fun with the cross dressing, and having surgery never entered their minds.

Ruining someone else's life and intentionally trying to ruin someone's life are two different things. You can ruin someone's life on accident, by being stupid, by negligence, by just being selfish, etc...but a lot of that could have been avoided. On the other had you can deliberatly set out to ruin someone's life and not succeed. I can't tell if he is ruining his girlfriend's life, because I don't know enough about her. For all I know, she is a lesbian, and she got pregnant on purpose and is looking forward to this guy getting having the surgery.

Being gay and wanting a sex change operation are two separate things. There are men who have the surgery and continue to date women. People who wanted the surgery used to pretend to be gay, because it helped them to get the surgery because it was a "fix" for being gay. Most people seeking the surgery now do not do this.

The soon to be grandmother might just be happy about being a grandmother. And she might be especially happy that it happens now, because if the son has the surgery it can't happen later. Now she'll have a grandchild from him no matter what he ends up doing later.

Getting the girl pregnant had nothing to do with the parents not accepting him. He got someone pregnant because he decided to have sex. He probably shouldn't have had sex at this point in his life with all of this going on, or maybe he did this on purpose so that he could have a child before he had the surgery. But he had sex because he got something out of having sex, not because someone didn't like him wearing a dress.

Here is something that would really concern me. If people enjoy having sex before they have surgery, maybe they shouldn't have the surgery. If you like sex with the parts you already have, maybe you shouldn't have them removed.

I have never heard of anyone going through all of the therapy and the two years of living life pretending to be the opposite sex and all of that, and then having the surgery, and then regreting it. It is a serious, sometimes life threatening procedure, and I've never heard of anyone wishing that they hadn't done it.

Joe said...

Couldn't agree more. Sometimes children don't turn out as we'd like, but if they're happy and not hurting themselves or others then the best thing we can do is support them.

Trixie said...

Oh dear....he really needs to sort his head out!

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

only time wil tell

happy black history month

rdb

Princess Extraordinaire said...

Thats a tought one...I agree with you and find it tragic...it is just not so simple as having a child these days you need loving and gender-happy parents...

Sandi McBride said...

It's to bad your girlfriend couldn't accept her son for who he was and support him THAT way rather than try to change who he is...of course it's easy for me to talk, I don't know if I would have been able to do things any differently. Still, this is going to be an ongoing problem that I hope we won't be watching on Dr Phil or Oprah...yes, things could be worse!
hugs
Sandi

WomensDaily said...

Oh boy, he definitely should not have gotten this girl pregnant until he got his life straightened out. As odd as this sounds, and no I don't agree with it, maybe this was his attempt at trying to have one constant sense of normalcy in his life. It's not like the soon to be baby can just walk right out of his life.

SSC~ The Domestic Diva said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SSC~ The Domestic Diva said...

I had to rewrite my comment several times. Because I had to take the emotion out of it. I didn't want it seem as there was a tone.

As far as this friend, yes he is confused. I first thought what a freak he is trying to get attention. Or perhaps a cry for help. Either way this cross dressing might be a self expression or for his parents to notice him.

Being a teenager and entering your early 20's is rough. You go from being under the wing of your parents to 18 and BAM! You are an adult, it gets scary.

We don't know the intentions for having this baby. Probably being irresponsible by not using a condom. Yes its scary that he doesn't have the dream job and he is confused.

What does he plan on doing with this new responsibly?

I want to judge but I can't. I was 21 when I had my first one and I wasn't married making 7.75 until my son was a year old. Then I was making good money. Then I had another one.

I was called all sorts of names. A whore, a confused girl. I was even disowned by my family. I was offered money to get an abortion, when I didn't I was locked out of the house.

But you know what It was the people who didn't judge me and accepted me for who I was. I didn't do the traditional thing and my parents were devastated.

My biggest mistake turned out to be my biggest blessings. I am not saying a happy ending will be for him. But what I am saying before we bash this man lets give him a chance.

I wouldn't be where I am today with out the support of my friends and family. Sometimes we might cringe and freak out. But rest assured this isn't your life and that is what life is all about...learning lessons. Guide him not enable him. Be supportive not passive aggressive.

I agree with Jeni and what she said. Don't get me wrong its hard for me not to judge now that the shoe is on the other foot.

I see your point and agree. I also know what its like to have "YOUR" world turn on you. I am happy his parents are happy.

I just hope he doesn't feel the need to prorate without abandon. Like that woman who had six kids at home and decided 8 more wouldn't hurt. That frightens me!

Ms.Honey said...

What the blip....WOW

So many things wrong with this situation..having a child will not correct this "problem" or whatever folks wanna call it...WOW'

I mean how will he explain to the child when the child walks in on him tryin on mommies shoes

Freckle Face Girl said...

Oh how sad! One of my friend's brothers got married & had 2 sons before getting surgery. His boys are now teenagers and it is very tough on them.