Wednesday, September 30, 2009

We Stay Too Long

Recently on Twitter there were a barrage of tweets going around on the subject of women feeling bitter when the man they had been with for many years, in some cases, leaves them for another woman and marries her pretty rapidly.

Now let me make myself perfectly clear, if I was dating a man for say a year or three and he suddenly leaves me for another woman then shortly after that marries her, I'd be pretty damn bitter. Suffice to say he'd better get someone to start his car in the morning and taste test his food but I digress.

Now let's go a step further and say we were together for 7 or more years then he leaves. I'd have no one but myself to blame in that case. After 8 years its pretty clear the guy is not interested in marrying me so I should have extricated myself from this relationship a long time ago. Let's be honest, it does not take a guy 5, 6, 7 or more years to decide if he wants to marry you. It just does not. If he truly wants to marry you he would have made his intentions very clear much earlier. I hate to be the one to tell you this but he is only biding his time until the right one comes along.

Ladies, if you stick with him for all those years without the commitment of marriage and that is clearly what you want then you are cheating yourself.

I have a policy that if I am with a guy for 2 years or so and he has not broached the subject of marriage I am vacating pretty damn quick. I'm not wasting 7 plus years on a man to have him leave for another woman and marry her within a year. No, that will not be me. Those are too many precious years wasted that I can't get back and that is what causes bitterness. The wasted years.

Take heed ladies, don't waste precious years on a dead end relationship. Find someone who will be glad to marry you, not because you coerced him.

21 People saying stuff:

★Starrla Monae☆ said...

Geeeez girl! This subject has been on my brain since church on Sunday because the sermon was about marriage and relationships! This is true though....it doesn't take a man ages to figure out what he wants. If you stay in that relationship on a 'hope and wish' policy then the joke is on you! Everything we do is by choice. We are the only ones we can hold accoutable for our actions so we need to check our feelings at the door sometimes! 8, 9, and 10 years is just crazy! If he wants to marry you, he will. A big wedding doesn't have to follow if you don't have the funds for that. You can go to the courthouse and make it official.

That one girl said...

Seriously.

First of all, woman are nuts. We all are... well except for me and you, duh!

No really, I have this super cute friend who is with this horrible guy, it's been maybe 4 years and he doesn't even call her. Or go on dates with her. Maybe they will see each other once a month and they fight. She still calls him her boyfriend. I'm like, get a clue!!!

The Dish said...

The Husband's besty has been with his woman for 15 years. They have been engaged for 7. They have a 2 year old son and fight non-stop. I just want to shake her and say, if he didn't marry you before he knocked you up, or after, he is not going to now. You hate each other. Maybe it is time to call it a day?

buffalodick said...

Just met you.. You are amazing!

Karen said...

2 years is too long in my book! I give a man a year. If things are not leading to marriage by then - then staying is my fault.

I stayed with Bruce 6 years and with Ron 5 years. Both times I should have know better - especially the second time. I wasn't a young kid anymore.

Senorita said...

I completely agree with you here. Women that stick around for longer than 2 years in hopes that their boyfriends are just cheating themselves.

I am still a strong believer in the institution of marriage. Any man that tells me that marriage is nothing but a piece of paper and it is not that important, is not the man for me.

Good post.

Btw, I didn't think that twitter was being used for debates. Good thing I am not up there. I would be tweeting about the morning dump I took.

Jazzy Cazy said...

Lover and I have talked about it too, and we reckon if a guy won't marry you after 3 years then he won't ever.

Having said that a girlfriend of mine got proposed to after 7 years... I guess some people are more patient than others!

xjcx

moooooog35 said...

FYI...men who are actually glad to marry are clinically insane.

Lady Dee said...

I totally agree. My grandfather had a 3 month rule. He said a man knows within 3 months if you are marriage material. This is from a man who knew he was gonna marry my grandmother the first time he met her and told her so that day. So if you with a man for 2 years and ya'll ain't close to getting married move on. And no long engagements neither.

laughingattheslut said...

I think you are right, but as others have said, you are still giving the guy too much of your time if you wait two years. You shouldn't rush in and marry someone you don't know, but a year is about right. After a year, what are you waiting for? There should be a damned good reason, like one of you is trying to finish law school or something, and you have plans to marry right after that. Serious plans, like you have the date set and probably a place reserved.

You should be talking about marriage long before the year is up. Not that you should be talking about running off and getting married then, but you need to hear each other's thoughts on the subject within a few months. Like, he might have some dumb idea that he shouldn't get married til he is forty, and he's thirty-five. So, that means you're supposed to wait around on him for five years? Or you might not be on the same page as to when to plan having kids or how many to try and have. He might be a really great date, but do you want to be involved with someone who pictures himself having half a dozen kids, but you only want two, or maybe you want a bunch of kids and he doesn't want any. Why waste a year or two of your life and then find out that you don't feel the same way about the important stuff?

Freckle Face Girl said...

I read somewhere that most men know within minutes how interested they are in a girl. I am guessing within a month of solid dating he knows what kind of commitment he is willing to make. I am not saying that he should propose that quickly, but within a year he should be able to say where it is headed.

lisaq said...

Good for you girl! A little different in my case since I have no plans to marry again...ever. It's a matter of commitment though and that would definitely have to be there.

Terri said...

hehe...*UNLESS* - disclaimer - you are high school sweethearts and dating for six years before you get married...that's okay right? worked for me. :o)

I'd tend to agree with you though.

inc23 said...

i've been dating my guy for 7 years... i"m only 25. i'm just not ready for marriage but if this relationship ended this would be my one and only relationship over 2 years without marriage in sight!

xxxx said...

you are absolutely right.. many females waist their lives on one man who dont want them and its sad. i would be bitter myself. my cousin has been with the same man for seven years and he swears up and down he loves her to death but i think he is buying time..

SSC~ The Domestic Diva said...

Suffice to say he'd better get someone to start his car in the morning and taste test his food but I digress! THANK YOU DIVA FOR MAKING MY DAY!

You're right it doesn't take 3-8 years to figure out if he wants to marry you, but if he is already married it might! LOL

L said...

I agree. However, I was with my ex for 7 1/2 years and had no interest in getting married yet. People kept asking when we were going to take the "next step".

Hit 40 said...

Well said!! I totally agree with you. And, I feel awful for woman who hang out with gay men who are too foolish to realize that they are the man's cover for social events...

If the guy does not make a move on you, he is gay. This is 2009... not 1909. Men are going to take things to another level. Not just pleasantly socialize. HE IS FREAKING GAY!!

Charmaine said...

Brillliant. I'm an old broad who has been dating a fella for 7 months. I'm already done because there is no ring on my finger.

But I'm in early menopause...chicks like me have no patience.

imbeingheldhostage said...

AMEN. I've always wondered about women who hang onto these guys.

Tanyetta said...

Great advice!!!

oh and what Terri said! LOL