Monday, November 23, 2009

10 Rules For Thanksgiving Dinner At My House

I just received this in an email and you know me...I HAD to share. I'm a giver you know.

BTW- The top 10 sexiest women list is coming out in an hour!

1. Don't get in line asking questions about the food. 'Who made the potato salad? Is there egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it?

Ask one question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your front teeth so you won't be able to eat anything.

2. If you can't walk or are missing any limbs, sit your ass down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on some damn pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.

3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little asses to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not gonna tear my damn house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Butch to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except if they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their asses!

4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save that talk for somebody who gives a damn. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.

5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don't, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy ass home next year!

6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing damn well that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn't bring anything over, don't let me catch you making a plate period or there will be a misunderstanding.

7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn't belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!

8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER ! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call DHS on your ignorant ass!!

9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your ass home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY WILL GET THE HELL OUT AT 11:00 PM. You will have a 15 minute warning bell.

10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy ass family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!

7 People saying stuff:

The Dish said...


Karen said...

WOW. Rough rules. I actually went out to buy new containers to send left overs home with my family members AND the cleaning lady is "fluffing" the guest rooms right now. If I even suggested the word hotel, I'd be disowned.

Senorita said...

People actually take your tupperware and leave their children behind at your house while you go shopping ? I effing hate it when people turn someone into a daycare center. My mom used to do that shit with me, and I could see peoples' reactions. I was mortified as child.

Jeni said...

Sometimes, I guess it is a good thing this house is almost always in a general state of disarray! The days of a place for everything and everything in it's place went flying out the door when my Mom died and my kids and I moved in here 30 years ago next week!
Since I do 99.9 percent of the cooking here, no one has to ask "who cooked this?" And, the two little ones with their finicky tastebuds will have their very own bowl of mac&cheese for their dinner on Thursday so that their Mother and I can have a fight-free meal that way -not having to do battle trying to force-feed turkey, mashed taters and heaven forbid a dabble of gravy touch their lips too! But the tupperware -that reminds me I better stock up on some disposable-type storage containers so I can have something to put leftovers for us in as well as some containers I can then afford to send out of the house with more leftovers too!
Locking children in the basement though? Why didn't I think of that one? But this year, the sulky two step-grandchildren are, as I write this, enroute to Tennessee so I won't have to worry about wanting to lock them up somewhere, anywhere!
Happy Thanksgiving though and hope all goes well at your house!

Ms Wensday Mourning said...

All I can say is DAAAAMNN!!!
Love it...thanks for the laugh!

imbeingheldhostage said...

I'm getting this vibe... maybe you've had less-than-perfect dinner guests in the past?

Tupperware swiping = nice-girl-stops-here.

LaiLani Ali said...

Whoa girl. How many people are at your house for dinner? My mom usually has 15-25ish and we've never had any issues like this.