Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Big Sister

When I was 14 years of age my parents decided to take us kids on an impromptu trip to New Jersey. That was nothing unusual since my parents lived and met in New Jersey and my sister and middle brother and I were all born in New Jersey plus it was only a 4 hour drive from Baltimore, MD where we currently lived.

So we load up in the car and off we go. We kids were always excited about these family trips. They were always so much fun. Several hours later we arrive at my fathers’ sister house, Aunt Gwen. Aunt Gwen and Uncle Boog had several pretty rambunctious kids of their own and it was always fun to see what kind of adventures we were going to get into.

A few hours after our arrival my parents and aunt and uncle announced they had somewhere to go and would be back in a few hours and off they went. We kids were fine and enjoyed an afternoon free of parental restrictions.

Upon my parents return they summoned my two little brothers and me into the dining room as they had a big announcement of some sort. I sat on a chair at the table directly across from my father. What he told us shocked me for a few minutes and I scrambled to regain my footing. I supposed my father noticed this and instructed me to come over to where he was seated.

In all my fourteen years on this earth I had been the oldest child. I had been the one that was responsible for the younger siblings. Now I was being told that I was no longer who I thought I was. I had an older half sister. 5 years older to be exact. I was shocked and hurt all at the same time. I didn’t know what to think, what to say or how to feel. You may think finding out you have a sibling should be no big deal but when your life is lived a certain way and you have your roll in the family that clearly defines who you are and that is changed, it’s a little unsettling to say the least. I kept thinking, 'I'm not the oldest anymore?'

After I got over the shock I was anxious to meet her. Meet her I did, the next day. I felt cheated that I never knew I had an older sister in all these fourteen years, however, she knew all about us.

We got to know each other and I liked her. As the months and years went on she came to visit and we were developing a nice sisterly relationship. Or so I thought.

As the years piled on it became apparent that a relationship with me and my brothers was the last thing on my sisters mind. The phone calls and visits stopped. I subsequently found out she would call daddy’s job instead simply to ask him for money. It was obvious that she felt he owed her for being absent all those years and by golly she was going to get what was due her.

Her life was completely different then ours and I think she resented us and daddy for that difference. I’m sure she felt that if daddy was in her life the entire time things would be different for her. She felt we had it good and she was jealous of that and felt she should have been apart of all that as well. I’m not saying her feelings were not justified, I’m just saying that her issues with our father should not have impacted her relationship with us, her siblings. Who is right in a situation like this? It’s hard to say what should have been done. We all have to play the hand we are dealt. I just feel that she pretended to want a relationship with us in order to get what she could out of our father. I feel duped.

She has not called us since our fathers death in 1993 and that I feel tells the real tale.



17 People saying stuff:

Karen said...

I am sorry you didn't get the relationship you wanted out of her. It takes more than blood to be family in some cases.

Jeni said...

I think your idea on what was going on in her mind are right on target there. Granted, there's no doubt that had your father been in her life from start to finish, her life would certainly have tracked differently. As would have yours, obviously. But you are so right in that we all must play the hand we are dealt and when did any of us have a real choice in who our parents would be and how long they would remain together? It's a shame she didn't recognize the true value of having siblings and develop as close a relationship as possible with you and your family as that really makes her the ultimate loser.

LiLu said...

Aw, I'm so sorry. It seems like such a waste (on her part).

Tonya said...

wow, I'm so sorry she was like that. how many siblings did you grow up with? I had somewhat of the opposite happen to me. With parents that is.

Tracy J said...

Have you called her?

The Ambiguous Blob said...

I'm an older half sister to my dad's family with his 3rd wife.
He wasn't in my life when I was growing up and I haven't been in theirs much. I only speak to my father so that I can have a relationship with them. As soon as they're all of age, out he goes. I love those kids, but it's tough to relate and they're far away. I wish I could be more involved in their lives.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

Tracy, I used to call her but since she never reciprocated I stopped.

Tanyetta said...

well dang, that's a blip. i probably would call her just to see what's up. but, then again, i guess the answer is clear! :(

CJ said...

Wow! That's all I can say. What a loss...she surely has missed out.

lisaq said...

She has so missed out. The sad thing is that a lot of people would much rather blame the deficiencies in their lives on someone else than step up and create a better life for themselves. It's the easy way out. Unfortunately, if often impacts others negatively. So sorry she has chosen that road.

B said...

I couldn't imagine recieving that kind of news! It's a shame she didn't want to be a part of the family but it's her loss!

Hit 40 said...

I am glad that you tried to call. I have a full sister who I do not talk to.... I always called and held up the relationship. It is exhausting.

The other person needs to also call. Or... obviously they are not that into the relationship.

I also have a younger sister who I do talk to and she calls.

And... my husband has 3 half brothers. He doesn't talk to any of them.

SSC~ The Domestic Diva said...

I am so sorry to hear about that. To find out about your sister and not have a relationship. Sometimes people are weird like that. She should put her differences aside and allow herself to heal. It is sad when there are blended families and how children are often in the middle. I wouldn't blame your sister more I would blame the circumstance.

You have no idea what happened to her or why she thought she was OWED, perhaps her bitter mother instilled those feelings of betrayal onto her. Thus being unable to forgive and dislike you and your family.

One thing I learned in life is that my friends are often more like my family then my blood relatives.

I am sorry Diva it truly is her loss!

imbeingheldhostage said...

Her HUGE loss, Tee. Seriously, she cheated herself of far more than those "few" early years. I have a (full) sister that doesn't keep up with us either. She moans occasionally about having never met my children, but it's because she's never chosen to come see them or even remember their birthdays. So I get your disappointment, I am sorry.

OHmommy said...

oh man.... that stinks. surely you know deep down inside that she is missing out on so much.

Amber said...

All I can say is she missed a GREAT opportunity and one day she will wake up with a world of regret.

abbagirl74 said...

ouch... so sorry. people can be so, well, you know.