Sunday, September 7, 2008

An Outsider

Posted by Diva's Thoughts at 6:20 PM

I attended a wedding this weekend. My little cousin got married and it was a lovely event. His aunts and uncles and grandfather made the drive to Maryland from South Carolina for the nuptials.


His aunts and uncles are my cousins and his grandfather is my aunts husband. It was great seeing all of them since I hadn't seen them in about 7 years or so since my aunts death.


Although I was looking forward to seeing them I was also a little apprehensive. You see, I never hear from them at all but they periodically call my younger brother Kevin.


When they arrived on Friday, they called Kevin but I didn't hear a peep from them. My brother drove over and hung out with them but no one thought to call me.


I have a few other cousins that live here in MD that I only see during family get togethers but yet again, they are in constant contact with both of my brothers. I found out at the wedding that they had all arranged a get together where they all hung out and had a grand ol' time but no one thought to call me. Hmmmmm....


The more I thought about things the more I began to feel as an outsider in my very own family. I have a younger cousin named Ann that seemed to have cut herself off entirely from the family. No one has seen or heard from her in years. I personally hadn't seen her since my fathers death in 93. Thinking about her last night I totally understand her now.


Is there no wonder I will not look back ONCE when I leave MD? I think I will do just what Ann did and just cut everyone out when I leave.


Have you ever felt like an outsider in your own family?

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32 People saying stuff:

Karen said...

I feel like an outsider with my extended family quite often. They are very different than me, but we are family.

September 7, 2008 at 7:44 PM
shorty said...

I think I already answered this in my blog a few days ago!

Yes!

September 7, 2008 at 8:39 PM
Moe Wanchuk said...

Have you ever called THEM?...Maybe your brother reaches out to them occasionally.

I had the same thing happen to me. But then I realized that I have NEVER called ANY of them.
So I called. And guess what? We talk all the time now.

September 7, 2008 at 9:12 PM
Anonymous said...

Some times my cousins, who live in a different state, have a lot of functions that I'm not invited too. That's okay with me - as when we all do get together, I just take it as a nice once-in-a-while get together and move on.

September 7, 2008 at 9:47 PM
Anonymous said...

all my life. i never fit in. it used to bother me, but now i see it as a good thing. i'm so glad that i'm an outsider when it comes to my "family." i don't want to be like them.

September 7, 2008 at 10:24 PM
Trixie said...

I feel that with my dad's side of the family. Especially, 10 years ago, when I went back to Oz for my grandmothers 90th birthday, with Pickle as a baby, after the birthday lunch, I was supposed to go to a family bbq with my aunts and cousins. I was staying with the grandparents, and I never got picked up, they forgot about me!

September 8, 2008 at 3:46 AM
Anonymous said...

Oh yes. All the time. Every year we have a reunion. Every year I feel like an outsider. It's all good though. They're a pain in the ass group of people.

September 8, 2008 at 6:50 AM
laughing said...

My mother will never get it through her head that not everyone has a M-F 9-5 job. So she'll plan something for a Saturday and not check to make sure that I don't have to work that day or that we're aren't out of town, etc....

One year we planned a little trip to New Orleans, cause we got three vouchers for rooms at the Marriott and everything. We were just really excited about the whole thing and were probably really annoying to everyone else talking about going. It wasn't a secret. We didn't sneak out of the house at night or anything. This was something that we'd planned for months. I would have liked to go in October, but there were no rooms available then, so we got reservations for December and got time off work, etc....

While that was going on, my mom's family is planning this big extended family get together for Christmas. We were going to be out of town in December, but not that close to Christmas, so I didn't think it would be a problem. My mom ended up hosting the thing. Great. As long as she tells me a few weeks when she's thinking of having it so that I can make sure I don't have to work, and I'm thinking actually Christmas or a few days before. She doesn't get back to me. She asked about everyone else's schedule, and I pack for my trip. And then she calls and announces that due to everyone's schedule that the Christmas party will be on a day about two and a half weeks before Christmas, cause that's the only day that they can all get together.

But that's when I'll be out of town. I told you. What other day can you have the party?

I can't have it any other day. You'll have to reschedule you're trip.

I can't reschedule the trip. It's already paid for and that's the only time we can get off of work for that many days.

My mom refused to reschedule the party after she'd already told everyone that it was a certain day, and if she moved it someone wouldn't be able to come. And since she didn't move it I wasn't able to go. Really, that was my first trip to New Orleans and I had rooms at the Marriott. And she just expected me to give that away because she didn't think to talk to me about my schedule the way she did for everyone else.

So that's my immediate family, and my extended family I just see them when I happen to see them.

September 8, 2008 at 8:07 AM
laughing said...

Damn. That turned out to be a long comment. Sorry about that.

September 8, 2008 at 8:09 AM
Billy said...

No, I have never felt like an outsider. Perhaps you should tell them how you feel.

September 8, 2008 at 8:18 AM
Rita said...

I'm the only girl in a family of all boys. I was compared with my cousins all my life and to tell you the truth? right now I dont give a f*** about any of them.
I've been nice enough to send cards for bdays, xmas, you name it!
When did I get anything from them?
NEVER.
I love my cousins... but I don't feel that closeness with them and in the end, they dont know me and I dont know them and I don't really care anymore.

September 8, 2008 at 10:15 AM
Jack and Jill said...

When I went vegetarian I definitely WAS an outsider...but my family got over it eventually.

I wonder what the deal is with your family...

(Jill)

September 8, 2008 at 12:31 PM
Jeni said...

Over the years of my life, I have frequently felt like a bit of an "outsider." When I was in my teens and had arrived at my full height (which at 5 ft 6 inches, isn't really all that tall) I began to feel like an over-sized giant around my Dad's family in which my tallest uncle then barely topped 5 ft 4! (My Dad had been the tallest in his family at 5'8".) Stupid reaction, yes, I know, but still, that's how I felt then. Over the years, as I eventually came to know myself -my inner self -better and understand things more, I have cousins now on both sides that I tend to gravitate to somewhat and others, that I steer pretty darned clear of as well. Some that I didn't communicate with for a long time and thought I was the one being excluded, I've come to realize I was often the one being exclusionary there and now, have a stronger relationship with some relatives because of that realization about myself. (Not all, but some.) I often wish my family -both sides -were as close as some of my friend's families are but it is what it is -sometimes good, sometimes rougher than it probably should be. I try now to provide opportunities for my kids to know ALL their relatives, as much as possible and let them all form some type of communication and understanding earlier on than I did.

September 8, 2008 at 2:25 PM
Anonymous said...

Constantly, sweetie.
But, I keep in touch anyway. Christmas cards, notes, emails.....

Why not. I mean, it makes me feel good to know I'm still trying to keep in contact with them, even if they suck and don't return the favor.

September 8, 2008 at 3:40 PM
CarmenSinCity said...

That's really messed up that they didn't call you.

I felt like an outsider in my own family a while ago, but now that I live in Vegas and everyone else lives in Maryland, I feel better :)

September 8, 2008 at 3:52 PM
charmcitygirl said...

OMG, I am soooo with you on this. I am definitely the black sheep of my family. My own siblings get together and don't include me. They even talk about their upcoming plans or what they did recently, right in front of me, as if I wasn't even there. My mother has the family over every Tuesday night and this is where I get to hear my brother and sister talk about these things. I just can't believe it. It wasn't always this way, so I am still trying to figure out how to deal with it.

Just this morning I got an email from my sister wanting the whole family to go on a "family vacation" next summer and rent a big house on the ocean together. They can't get away with not inviting me to this since my mother would say something, but I know when I am not wanted.

September 8, 2008 at 4:18 PM
Lys said...

Thee are times, yes, that I do feel like an outsider with some members of my family. Then I just brush it off, move forward and remember that I'm doing what's best for ME!

Good luck when you depart MD :) You'll do just fine!

September 8, 2008 at 4:41 PM
Chari said...

Yep I sure have. But it was my own fault. eh.

September 8, 2008 at 7:03 PM
(vixenchick) said...

im definately the black sheep in my family..my older still calls me 'the ugly duckling who never turned into the beautiful swan'

September 8, 2008 at 8:32 PM
Melissa said...

Oh yes honey, there have been many, many times I've felt like an outsider. There's also been times that I think I'm only damn sane person in my family!

September 8, 2008 at 9:17 PM
Ms.Honey said...

WOW....why do they do that to you

September 8, 2008 at 9:52 PM
CC Solomon said...

I am an outsider with a lot of my family. First they are all in Florida except for my immediate family and I believe a good portion of them think I'm "bousie" because I'm educated (only cousin to have gone to college) and traveled (most have never left the state)but most of them are married with kids and I'm not. We're just different, what cha gonna do?

September 9, 2008 at 9:18 AM
Anonymous said...

Sometimes I do but I think everyone feels that way now and then. We have family that we don't talk to because of issues in the past and even if we see them out and about, we still don't say anything and it's been years since the fallout!

September 9, 2008 at 11:03 AM
Anonymous said...

Ugh Diva, sounds like a shitty situation.

I think my family would like it too much if I cut myself away. I annoy the piss out of'em.

September 9, 2008 at 12:32 PM
TravelDiva said...

Girl, there is a whole side of my family I don't associate with. I try to be cool, but they just can't get with a professional sista--they think I'm boogie--when I'm actually not. I stopped trying years ago because I was the only one making an effort to stay in touch.

September 9, 2008 at 1:50 PM
CarmenSinCity said...

Hi Diva!

My mom bought me a ticket to come back to Maryland for the holidays. We should totally meet up. I'll be there in December - around Christmas. I'll remind you when it gets closer.

September 9, 2008 at 7:23 PM
Adrianne said...

Yes I do at times, and I tell them. Words are said in anger, tears are shed and we don't see each other for a few days. Then it works out for a month then it goes right back to normal. Whatever that is

September 9, 2008 at 8:21 PM
Ann(ie) said...

um, YES!!!! My dad's side and ironically (because my name's Ann ;) I did the same as your Ann and I kinda wonder if my cousins will ever clue in as to why. Most of them are boys so maybe not. ;) I very very very much get it. xo.

September 9, 2008 at 11:06 PM
Joe said...

Yes, I think we all feel that way sometimes.

Of course, I'm also much happier not being too involved with them. I love my family dearly, but I'm also quite happy with the people that I've chosen to have in my life. There's less baggage and drama with them, and few expectations.

September 10, 2008 at 9:33 AM
Real Live Lesbian said...

That's tough. I'm sorry that they forgot you. But what about your brother. Why didn't he remember? That, I would be pissed about.

September 10, 2008 at 10:55 AM
L said...

I have days like that. It's not a fun experience.

September 10, 2008 at 2:28 PM
imbeingheldhostage said...

Have I ever NOT felt like the outsider... my inlaws are enough to make me consider walking away from an otherwise cracking marriage. After 12 years, I'm still treated like a temporary fixture.

September 16, 2008 at 3:25 PM

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