Thursday, January 17, 2008

What is Wrong With Us?

I don’t think men realize just how serious marriage and kids are to some of us women. No one wants to spend the rest of their lives alone. Most of us want a spouse that will be there waiting for us when we get home armed with a warm smile, kiss and hug along with a “How was your day honey?” It gives us warmth, depth and purpose.

There are some of us that are so serious we’ve made dating and marriage an art form.

There are a few in our society that actually are not the marrying type and that’s ok but for some, the thought of not finding a mate is quite disturbing.

I have a really good friend that lives in Charlotte NC. She moved there with the sole purpose of finding a husband and having kids because North Carolina is touted as the Mecca of single men.

Well since she’s moved there almost 2 years ago she hasn’t had any real prospects to speak of until very recently. She met a promising man; they went on 4 dates mind you. My friend regales tales of laughter, great conversation, mild flirting and a definite connection. This man went away for a 6 week overseas vacation. After which time, my friend, thinking he’s surely back by now, called and left a message on his voicemail to call when he got a chance. He never called. She is now left wondering what went wrong. Is there something wrong with her?

This has forced her into a depression. She has even decided to begin seeing a therapist to help her deal with the looming knowledge that she may never have the husband and kids she so desperately wants.

Why is it so difficult for some to find a date much less a spouse and others seem to effortlessly fall into multiple marriages?

I wonder if my friend is taking this all too much to heart. When I begin to wonder that I then try to put myself in her shoes and realize that the thought of being alone for the rest of my life is very disheartening to say the least. I do have an understanding of where she is coming from.

I’ve been married before so I am coming from a different perspective. When people find out I’m divorced a sense of “Aaawww...I’ve been there too” or “I so totally understand.” envelopes the vibe of the conversation and it seems cool. But when we meet someone in their late 30’s and older that have never been married we wonder “What is wrong with you?” Even though I feel that is a terrible way to think I find myself wondering the same thing. “Why haven’t you been married before? What is wrong with you?” Sad I know.

26 People saying stuff:

ANO said...

I think some people try hard to find a mate. I've always tried to keep the mindset that it'll happen when it happens. My Aunt didn't marry until close to 35 and she never once thought anything was wrong with her or really cared that she wasn't married.

I think it's sad that in this day and age, if a woman isn't married by a certain age, something is "Wrong" with her.

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Bit of a catch 22 when you are in your thirties and single or divorced. As you said 'why have you never been married' plus there is also when I look at a divorced guy 'What did you do for her to divorce you?'

Opinionated Diva said...

Completely agree with Ano's last paragraph. I think it's more of a shame that people are more accepting of someone who has married, it didn't work and so now their divorced. But for someone who is waiting...she gets the raised eyebrow and the whispers behind her back. It's funny, but it's not.

As for your friend, moving to a city with the sole goal of finding a husband is a bit much and I think men can spot a woman who is that obsessed with committment a mile away...scares them.

I hope everything works out for her.

Suze said...

I do sometimes think when I see a friend that I think is absolutely great "why isn't she married"? Sometimes when someone is really looking to be with someone, they might project feelings, etc. on the other person when they're not really there. Or wish for something that just isn't going to happen.

Pamalicious said...

I don't know what to say about this. I was single for 13 1/2 years before I met my husband.

During that time, I went through all of these emotions - but I don't think I lost sight of the principal that I enjoy the company of men. I enjoy just being with them and on some level that kept me from totally losing it. I made sure - even if I had to slap my own face - that interacting with men was a pure as possible in my thinking. It was about the company, it was about being around them etc. That kinda allowed me to relax on the pre-written script I kept on speed dial, lol

My daddy always said don't write fairytales for men and not let them know what part they are to play.

I met my husband on blackplanet (I know I know, lol) and it meant alot to me that he said one of th reasons he fell for me was because I was a complete individual that saw having a mate as the icing on the cake and not the batter.

Now in my mind - I kept thinking I wasn't complete and I had this visual of the hard, I got my own car, my own house my own shyt as that vision - but apparently just RELAXING and being a person and not a potential mate was what did it.

I'm rambling all over your page - so let me stop, lol

Tell your friend to keep working on self and keep trying it out on others - don't be in a vaccum. You gotta just keep getting up and getting out there. Get you a gaggle of online men suitors. That way you can just practice how to relate to this 'new' man out here without the pressure. Experiment on them - use them as studies to see what is making them tick, what to talk about, how to talk about yourself.

Then step on out there!

I wish her the very best - I truly do.

Eb the Celeb said...

I have 1 question... if any of those dates did she explain to him that she wanted to get married and start a family soon... because if so that may have run him off... men think it but never want to look at it as if it something in the near future and that may have been too much pressure for him.

The same thing happened with one of my co-workers. Everytime she dated a guy she always brought it up, before they even really got to know each other and it would always scare them off. She finally just ditched the regular dating scene and looked to match.com... she met a guy will the same aspirations, they hit it off and 6 months after the met they were engaged. I couldnt believe it.. they just got married in Nov... and even though I think 5 years from now they'll be getting a divorce... for right now... because I dont believe in rushing things if its meant to be...it worked out

nikki said...

i have a friend like your friend. every guy she dates now is on the fast track to being her husband. she rushes into intimacy and basically wears her desperation on her sleeve. i keep telling her she needs to just chill, but she gets the pressure from her mom and her married sister. mom thinks she ain't happy unless she's married. whateverz.

as someone who is ending a marriage, i'm at that cynical stage where i'm like "hell, you don't WANT to be in this, do you?!?" i think folk on the outside looking in thinks everything is great in marriage when in fact, it becomes harder and harder for folk to co-habitate as they get older.

i wish more sistas were happy with being single and just living their lives. marriage is aiight for the persons ready for it, but it ain't nothing like what's on tv or the movies. it's a damn JOB.

hell, i'd rather be unemployed.

Karen said...

I have plenty of friends who are in their late 30s and 40s who were never married. I don't think anything is wrong with it - and it is distrubing to me to thing that other people would. I can see people of my grandma's age group judging unmarried women - calling them spinsters - but I didn't think poeple of my generation did that. Guess I was wrong.

Not Fainthearted said...

there are plenty of wise women here!

I like pamalicious' the best. Don't write the fairy tales without overtly and clearly assigning parts...and yes, that means some of the auditioners will flee.

But also, it takes something (guts, courage, self-love) to be the whole person you are and not to look to a partner or friend(s) to feel complete.

But Diva, I AGREE with how you started. It's not that you NEED to have that friendly face at the end of the day, the way you need oxygen in every breath. It's just that it makes it so much nicer, the way the beautiful scent of lilacs or roses makes every breath better.

does that make any sense?

anyway, thanks for your thoughts at my place today, too.

minijonb said...

I was born in the Chinese year of the... wait for it... Dog, so I don't think I can say anything on this topic. Sorry.
=:-)

MysTery said...

I hate to say this, but I think she hasn't found a mate because she went to such great lengths, or whatever to 'find' a husband.
I don't believe that is what God wanted for her.
There is no way I would move somewhere else to find someone. What made here think he wasn't right were she was. I don't make it a habit to try to find a mate.
The guy I am with now pretty much found me. I pray that she puts her energy into bettering herself and then the man will come.

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

dabg, im speechless

dc_speaks said...

um...hi.

i read it all and im glad that your friend didnt settle for a mr wrong and end up with a couple of kids.

I think the glass is half full for her. Her time will come. Nothing is wrong with women that dont marry by a certain age. who came up with that bullshit anyway? I'll tell you who. a generation of our women that were brainwashed by our men. eff that. to a single woman over thirty..DO YOU!
k..stepping down from my soapbox

lisa q. said...

ano's right...sometimes we try too hard...i know that i for one need to try to detach some...people get married for a variety of reasons and sometimes life just gets in the way...doesn't mean there's anything wrong with a person who's never been married, but you're right...we wonder...

Sojourner G said...

It's a crap shoot dear. There are SO many variables that go into dating and marriage, and as so well illustrated by your words, even when you make a connection, the outcome is not guaranteed.

That's why it's important to be very secure and happy within yourself first. It's amazing what positivity and a certain independence attracts. And if you have those two things (among others) you're much less likely to end up making the wrong choice that ends up forcing you (in general) to settle for something less than what you know you want and need.

Ever try to hold a handful of sand on a beach (or play ground for that matter)? When you close and squeeze, it invariably runs out...

Mizrepresent said...

Gurl, this is so on point and true many women are out there looking for that relationship, marriage, and kids...but having a difficult time finding it. I think the playing field is definitely uneven now and is weighing against us. Men have so many choices that have now included other men, other races, and the young. Women over the age of 30 are not the elite. I have trouble thinking that i will be alone for the next decade or more, but i have to look at it for what it is and just try to enjoy each and everyday, because i am not one for settling for the sake of having that man. Yeah coming from a divore too, means i'm not feening for it, but a serious and fun relationship would be nice.

Sheletha said...

"because North Carolina is touted as the Mecca of single men."

fo'real doe? are you serious? Ive been in NC for about a year in a half and all I have ran into is the most insecure men, ever. Made me kind of miss a michigan man. At least he will tell you hes not looking instead of giving you a false sense of security only to find out this ni99a is crazier than a mugg.
but i digress, what was this post about? I kinda stopped reading after the mecca of single men in NC

laughingattheslut said...

See, she's got it. NC is the mecca of single men because the men are to insecure to get married.

Anyway, I thought that Alaska was the mecca of single men--

"The odds are good, but the goods are odd."

SSC said...

I have never been married, THANK GOD!!! But do get you were never married but you have children. I say that is correct, is there something I am missing?

As far as your friend, I am sure she is a beautiful, smart, decent human being. That places her worth on how men react to her. So should not be where you place your worth but sometimes we do.

I would encourage therapy for her as its good to talk to someone who can help her in ways we couldn't regarding patterns in men and such. We only know one side.

Have her go on vacations with other girlfriends etc. The word will get out she is single and take it from there. However if her opening line while dating someone is I want to get married and have kids, that scares men way.

Good luck to your friend and give her a hug for me and tell her she is beautiful!!

Pageant Mom said...

wow I wish I could help!!

The only thing I can say is that no one can love you until you love yourself (I hate it when I sound trite!) but it's so true. You have to trust yourself, and your instincts... sometimes I think women are so "formulaic" about finding the "perfect" guy, they end up not finding one at all.

when I read stories like this, I count my blessings. I guess I'm lucky I'm not overly picky, and the little things don't bug me. Does my man leave laundry EVERYWHERE? yes, and it bugs me... but he also cooks dinner and mows the lawn!

I think you have to stay open-minded - my husband is a plumber (and I'm a corporate type) and I remember calling my dad and asking him if I should go out with this guy I met... Of course dad said "no"... we've been married over 17 years now LOL But honestly, if anything ever happened, I'd probably just let it be, I don't think I'd have the energy to break in a new one ;o)

So I guess the best I can do is pray for a little love to come her way!!!

shelia said...

I am currently single and would love to be in a committed relationship with the right man; however I am not rushing anything. I am at a stage in my life that my tolerance for BS is nil so being in a relationship just to say I'm in one isn't an option. The man for me has to come to me without the games. After a certain age, men should get tired of playing games, but I'm finding that some aren't. I'm a romantic and forsee meeting my knight in shining armour soon...if not soon, at least I won't giving up hope of meeting him.

Gypsy911 said...

I think it is crazy how people assume that if you are not married, you are alone and something is wrong with you. Some of the lonelist people I know are married and many of them have "special friends' to fill the gaps. I think all of us have something wrong with us in one way or another, just some of us don't need a ceremony, white dress, and a china pattern to prove it.

CarmenSinCity said...

I feel for your friend. I am 34 and I've never been married, I've never even been close to getting married and I wonder what is wrong with me sometimes too.

It sucks!

CapCity said...

Check out the film:
http://www.soulmatefilm.com/thetrailer.htm.

It's a phenomena that is not as rare as some would like to think....

Queen of the Mayhem said...

It is a shame that simply being successful isn't enough.

I have a friend who suffered through the same heartbreak....your friend may be (albeit inadvertantly) giving off desperate signals! Men are so silly....they don't want a woman that REALLY wants them. It's that whole, "thrill of the chase" thing!

I hope you finds someone soon!

The Ambiguous Blob said...

some chicks are freaking CArazy when it comes to men. This one girl I know has been dating a guy for 6 weeks and they're (maybe just she) already thinking about marriage. That's effing nutty.